A Minor Complication
by AryanaQ
Summary: Nikita is planning her escape from Division and with only 3 months before making her move she is stuck with a new recruit, Alex. She has to train her and teach her everything she needs to know to graduate and survive in that hell hole. What Nikita didn't know was how complicated things would get.
1. Here We Go

_**Ch. 1 Here we go**_

_Three months_, she thought, _three more months and I can begin to live again_…..

Nikita was sitting in her office, staring at the computer, but not really working. The wheels in her head were spinning fast, still having a lot to do before the big day. The day she will leave Division for good. She was planning to do so on her birthday, which was exactly 3 months from today, because she wanted to give herself the most important gift of all: Freedom! She had the money, the safe house and the fake IDs. All she had left was to plan how she would make her move and that was the hardest part. She had a few ideas, but she still had to find the right person to help her. Someone she could trust completely. Someone inside to communicate with for a few months after her escape. She needed to know everything Division got on her, so she could hide her tracks best and get moving if they got to close to finding her. But who could she trust in here? They were all robots. Percy held a gun to their heads and Amanda's mind games turned them into puppets. The only person that she could think of was Birkhoff. They've always had this weird kind of friendship. She called him Nerd, because, let's face it, you couldn't be the country's best hacker ever without having your face stuck to the computer all day. He called her Niki, which bothered her some times and he was very much enjoying bugging her. But the way he said it was almost…endearing, in a creepy kind of way and sometimes she kind of liked it. She would roll her eyes, smack his head and leave so he couldn't see the smile on her face. It was a rare thing to have such a relationship down here and Nikita treasured it more than Birkhoff would ever know. She would surely miss him. But even if they were friends in here, could she trust him to not reveal her plan to Percy and Amanda? Could she risk it? Would he be willing to risk his life to help her? Maybe she could offer him a large amount of money. But what would he do with money in here? Or maybe she could promise to help him get out once the heat goes down. And she really would come for him. She wanted nothing more than to see him out of this hell hole.

Nikita was suddenly brought back to reality when her phone rang. It was Amanda.

"What now? You saw your first grey hair and you want to talk about how that makes you feel?", Nikita mumbled out loud while reaching for her phone. "What?", she said in a plain voice.

"And I tried so hard to teach you manners….well….I need to see you in my office, I have an assignment for you".

"Be there in 5" Nikita said closing her laptop.

_Great! Now I've pissed her off. I have to stop doing that or she'll make these three months here a bigger hell than it already is. _Nikita made a mental note to apologize to Amanda. _And what's that about a new assignment? I just came back from London, can't she give me a damn break? Oh, God, what if it's another one of those extended covers! It can't be, that would ruin my whole plan!_

"Oh, hey, Nerd, how are you today? All good?" Nikita said, seeing Birkhoff coming around the corner. She needed to start working her magic on him and gain his support as soon as possible.

"Someone's chirpy today! Was London that….satisfying?" , Birkhoff said, raising an eyebrow in surprise.

"Oh, Birkhoff, wipe that smirk off your face! My mission was a success and what, can't I just be nice to you? I like you, you know that. You're my only friend down here or…anywhere for that matter", Nikita said with a sad smile on her face.

"So I'm you friend, huh?"

"Of course you are, Nerd! Never doubt that!" Nikita said in an honest tone, affectionately touching his shoulder.

"Ookk…that's not weird…not at all…" Birkhoff said looking skeptically at Nikita's hand. "Well something's definitely off today. Either I need to cut on my energy beverages or you're really, really strange! And I'm not even considering the first choice!"

"Oh, Birkhoff, you're such a dork. Don't ever change, ok?" Nikita said laughing a little. "Got to go now, the Ice Queen is waiting for me and with all this accelerated global warming she might melt till I get there"

Nikita turned around and headed into the direction of Amanda's office.

"What just happened?" Birkhoff said, still glued to the spot.

* * *

"Come in" Amanda's voice could be heard from inside her office.

Nikita braced herself and went inside. White! All she could see was white! Oh, and mirrors…lots and lots of mirrors. No matter how many times she was in here, this…hollow space still gave her the creeps. It was making her uncomfortable. It was always the subject of her worst nightmares. And after all the time spent in here with Amanda, it was to be expected.

"Amanda…hi…hello! Look, before we talk about anything else, I want to apologize for earlier. It's just the jet lag still bothers me and I was just in a mood. So….yeah….sorry about that…." Nikita said while walking towards the center of the office.

"No need to apologize dear, we all have our bad days. I understand. Now, have a seat, please"

_Well, who should understand better than you, _Nikita thought, nodding with a weak smile.

"Tea?" Amanda asked

"Tea would be wonderful, thank you"

"Weeell, I guess it really was just a mood"

"It was, trust me", Nikita said reassuringly. "So, you said you have an assignment for me."

"Right to the point. I like that!" Amanda said and took a sip of her tea. "Yes, I do. A new recruit just came in and I want you train her".

"But….I thought you were talking about a mission. I thought we agreed I won't be handling the recruits and just focus on missions. Why the sudden change?"

"Nikita, you are the best agent Division has ever seen and yes, we want you to focus 100% on your missions. But you are also our best trainer and believe me, this girl needs the best"

"And may I ask why?"

"You may, but I don't have to answer", Amanda said with a smirk.

_Here we go again, _Nikita thought, _another one of her word games…._

"Oh, relax dear, I was just kidding. Where is your sense of humor?"

Nikita scoffed internally, but chose to stay silent. She just smiled and nodded.

"You see, Alex had a particularly difficult life. She saw her parents killed right in front of her eyes at the age of 14 and then she was sold to sex traffickers and brought to America on a ship. Many of her…..companions died on their way here and she developed survivor's guilt. She is practically an addict with no desire to live, but I think she has tremendous potential"

"What makes you think that?"

"Well, if she survived all of that without giving up her life, it means that somewhere, deep inside her, she still wants to live"

What Amanda was saying made sense and it was frightening Nikita to see how well she could read into someone's mind and soul, without even talking to that person. Just by analyzing their life.

"And that's why I need you to handle this. You two have been through similar things and that makes you perfectly qualified for this job. You can relate to her and you will bring her to full potential"

"And what if I don't succeed?"

"We cancel her, of course. But give yourself a little credit, Nikita. You can do this. I know better"

_Of course you do, _Nikita thought with a shudder.

And with that, their conversation was over. Nikita stood up and left Amanda's office, glad that she didn't have to be there a second longer. The hum in that place was driving her insane.

_Oh, God, here we go! _Nikita said to herself, while walking towards Alex's room.

* * *

So, what do you think? Reviews are very welcomed. Good and bad! Than you!


	2. Alexandra

_**Ch. 2 Alexandra**_

Nikita sat outside Alex's room, preparing herself for the encounter. It had been a while since she'd done this. She knew how it worked. A new recruit was brought in, sedated and then woke up in a foreign environment, with a total stranger giving him a scary speech. She herself was that recruit a long time ago and she remembered it like it was yesterday. And she also gave that speech so many times she could recite it in her sleep. She hated it, every word of it. She fought hard to rid herself of this job, but today she had to do it again. She had to be the stranger who will give a 19 year old girl the speech of her life and make her want to live again. She took in a heavy breath and entered the room.

….

Her head was pounding, her eyes war so heavy she had to fight hard to open them and when she finally did, everything was grey and spinning. She suddenly woke up, all sweaty and having no clue where she was. She had to open and close her eyes a few times so she could focus and figure out what was going on.

_Am I….dead? _she thought, panic rising in her chest. _I can't be dead, my head wouldn't hurt so much if I were. Nothing would hurt anymore….._She decided to try to get up, but it was very painful. _No, definitely not dead….. _Suddenly she sensed something, she felt watched and with a quick side glance she saw she wasn't alone. She almost screamed in fear and she fully turned her head to see the intruder, while covering herself with the sheets as if they could protect her in any way. Her vision was still a bit blurry and her eyes were puffy. She tried hard to concentrate on the woman in front of her as her breath became heavier.

"Hello, Alex", the stranger said

The woman's voice, neutral and cold, was like a slap on her face. It broke the perfect silence and in that instant she made eye contact. It lasted just a few seconds, but it managed to calm her a bit.

"My name is Nik…."

"Alexandra…."

"What?", the stranger said in that perfectly plane voice, that made impossible for Alex to tell if she should feel safe or fear for her life.

"My name! It's Alexandra, not Alex", she said sternly. "Who are you? Whe…where am I? she asked looking around.

"Well, you're not in prison anymore. And you're not even in Michigan, although nobody else knows that…Your death was officially ruled a suicide by the prison's coroner on November 3rd, your ash is stored….right here", the woman said, sitting up and showing Alex a picture in a catalogue and her death certificate. "My name is Nikita and I work for the Government. We've decided to give you a second chance."

"Why? Why me", Alex asked through clenched teeth, anger rising within her. Who the hell was this woman? Fake her death? Was she in a parallel universe or something?

She couldn't finish her thought, when the woman responded again, standing like a statue in front of her bed. No movement….no emotion…..

"Because you're a white, young female with no personal ties or paper trail. Those do exist, but they're hard to come by. What really grabbed our attention though, was how you were able to kill a criminal we were about to take out"

Alex was in full panic mode by now and adrenaline took over. She shot from the bed and ran for the door. In one swift, almost effortless move, the woman grabbed her waist and threw her back on the bed.

"His name was Noah, by the way, he was a drug dealer. Move and I break your legs!" the woman menacingly said, sensing that Alex would try to run again. "Don't make me hurt you. It may not seem like it, but I don't want to!" she said, looking deep into Alex's eyes, as if to beg her not to do anything stupid again.

"I didn't kill anyone! It was Jonah!" Alex said angrily, looking desperately into the woman's eyes.

"Your boyfriend's body was found next to his apartment, dead from an overdose. No one showed up at his funeral either...", Nikita said, sitting back on the chair, back straight and crossing her legs.

Alex dropped her head dejectedly and began to cry.

_This can't be happening. It can't be real. Please, let it be a dream, _she thought desperately_._

A few good seconds passed and then she heard it again. That cold, inexpressive voice. She slowly raised her head, tears streaming down her face and looked right into the stranger's eyes.

"Your life is over Alex….."

Alex flinched at those words, but tilted her head a little when she thought she saw a flicker of emotion in those piercing eyes. She blinked a few times to clear her vision and when she focused again, it was gone. Empty, dark, cold eyes were staring at her again. No emotion.

"I'm here to offer you a new one", the woman said in a slightly softer tone. "But you have to be willing to earn it"

"What do I got to do?" Alex asked, resigned by now that this was not just a dream, it was reality, as crazy as it seemed.

"Learn! How not to sound like an addict whore for starters"

Alex closed her eyes to stop the tears. This woman's words were hurting her deeply. All the pain of her past was coming back with a rage.

"Learn to stand up straight", the woman said standing up. "Learn how to walk right….learn how to talk right…learn how to serve your country, instead of just yourself", she said, heading for the door.

Hearing her footsteps, Alex opened her eyes. And then she really thought she was going crazy, because, in that moment, she really didn't want the woman to leave. The thought of being alone in that room, in that stone cold place was far scarier.

"Nikita…..", Alex said, using her name for the first time since they met.

Nikita stopped, still facing the door, waiting for Alex's question.

"Am I going to die?", Alex asked in a defiant voice

Nikita was taken by surprise. What should she respond? Should she give this girl false hope or throw her deeper into despair? Instead, she chose a different tactic. One she hoped it would make Alex want to fight for her life. One that once worked for her. So she turned around and faced Alex, looking her in the eyes, hoping her words would reach her.

"This is entirely up to you, Alexandra…."

Alex was shocked and lost for words. She could do nothing but stare.

"Now rest. We start tomorrow. 07.00 AM"

"Start what?" Alex tried to ask, but her question was met with silence. Nikita closed the heavy door and left her alone.


	3. New Surroundings

_**Ch. 3 New Surroundings**_

Just a quick, short filler chapter.

* * *

The piercing sound of an alarm rang in her ears, waking her with a startle. She immediately rose from the bed and looked around. She was still in that big, empty, grey room and the realization that it wasn't all a dream dawned on her. She was just about to go out on the corridor, to see what that ungodly sound was about, when the door opened and a mountain of a man came in.

"06.00AM, recruit! Shower, eat and report to Nikita in the training room on sublevel 3. Supplies are in locker number 11, which will be yours from now on. You'll meet Nikita at 07.00 hours. Don't be late!"

And with that, the man closed the door with a heavy thud and left her alone.

"Well, good morning to you, too…" she said in a muttered, sarcastic tone.

Alex carefully exited her room, exploring the new and foreign surroundings. Everything was surreal to her. Steel, concrete, hi tech panels, screens, people with headsets in their ears heading in different directions and more grey. Everything seemed to be grey in this place and it suddenly made her feel cold.

"Hey, can you tell me where the showers are?" she asked a guard who was passing by her

"End of the corridor, first door on the right"

"Thanks"

….

The hot water gave her a pleasant, tingling sensation from head to toe. She honestly couldn't remember the last time she had a decent shower or a long, relaxing bath. She used to have them all the time, while she was a child, back in her parents' home. Back then she had it all. Luxury, a huge mansion, a maid all to herself, private school, friends and, most of all, her parents' love and presence in her life. But when she lost it all, when her life became a catastrophe, she lived in the most abject poverty and misery. She ate when she could spare a dime to buy herself a hot dog or when some stranger took pity on her and bought her a sandwich. All the money she made from selling her body, were used to buy her daily dose. It was a vicious dance of life and death and she couldn't see herself ever stopping. So, for the first time in ages, she allowed herself to relax a bit, to just enjoy the luxury of that hot water running all over her aching body, soothing all her muscles and enveloping her into oblivion. After reluctantly stepping out of the shower, she went to her locker to dry her hair and put on some clothes. She almost laughed when she saw the grey sweatpants and hoodie, but she quickly dismissed it as the clock on the opposite wall showed her that she only had 15 minutes until she had to meet Nikita. She quickly dried her hair and went on to find the place where she could grab a quick breakfast.

By the time she found the cafeteria, she only had 5 minutes left until 07.00 o'clock. She didn't quite know what to do. Grab an apple and eat it on the way or stay and have breakfast? Would she get in trouble for being late? But when the smell of fresh food filled her nostrils and she suddenly became aware of the growling in her stomach, Alex decided she would stay. She was told not to be late and she had a feeling that it was not a joke, but with all that food displayed in front of her, she just couldn't resist. She hadn't seen so much food in one place since forever, so she wanted to taste it all.

_Oh, what the hell, _she thought, _she'll probably won't even notice if I'm a few minutes late. I bet she's gonna make me wait for an hour before she makes an appearance. They wanna give me a second chance…I might as well enjoy it while it lasts…_


	4. The Hard Way

_**Ch. 4 The hard way**_

Alex casually entered the training room where she was supposed to meet Nikita. She estimated that she was about 10 or 15 minutes late, but she couldn't care less. It was a big space, like every other one she got to see in her short time there and almost completely dark, apart from a dim light that was coming from a wall lamp. Then it hit her. There were no windows. Not here and not in any other room she's been so far.

_What the hell is this place? Do these people have a window phobia or something? How is…._

"You're 15 minutes late"

The combination of light being turned on and the plain, eerily calm voice coming from behind her, made Alex jump on the spot with a scare.

"Holly shit! What the fu….Jesus, are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

The woman was standing near the door, arms crossed and with that poker face that annoyed Alex more than anything.

"And when did you come in? I didn't hear the door open"

"I was standing here all the time" Nikita said calmly.

"Oh….I…I figured you'd be late, too, so I decided to indulge myself in all that food, ya' know? Besides, it not like I….."

"Oooh, you figured….Listen up, Alexandra" Nikita said, making her way towards the girl. "You are not the first recruit to think that this is all just a military charmed school where rules are made to be broken. But given the fact that this is your first day here…"

"Well, technically it's the second" Alex said mockingly, but her speech was interrupted by a hard slap across her face that nearly knocked her to the ground. Tears welled up in her eyes, as she looked up defiantly to the woman in front of her.

"Don't ever interrupt me again when I'm speaking to you. Me or any other of your superiors in here!". After a few seconds of silence, Nikita spoke again. "So, as I was saying, since this is your…second day here, I will not take any actions regarding your tardiness. But understand this. When I say 07.00 AM, you'll be here at 07.00 AM. Not one minute later. I am not here to play games and neither are you. This is not a college campus and the rules in here are meant to be obeyed. I've told you last night that we've decided to give you a second chance, but that you have to be WILLING to earn it", Nikita said in a slightly raised voice. "I am here to teach you and to help you. But, as I also said to you last night, it will be all up to you. If you live or die will be entirely your decision. So make up your mind. And fast. I don't have time to waste."

Alex was looking at Nikita. Everything in the woman's demeanor, voice and eyes was telling her that she was deadly serious about what she was saying. For the first time she was there, Alex realized that this was a matter of life and death, but she just couldn't feel anything. She was numb. The life she had, the hell she's been through, made her not fear death anymore. In fact, sometimes she wished so hard do die, that she pleaded any higher power that could be out there to take her life and spare her of any more suffering. Every time she injected herself, she almost hoped that she would not wake up.

"Frankly", Alex said dejectedly, "I don't give a shit if I live or die. Why don't you kill me right now and get this over with. It's better for everyone…."

"Oh, and give you the easy way out? Come on, you can do better that that!"

"Easy? Easy?" Alex almost shouted. "Do you think anything about my life has been easy? For a person who's supposed to know everything about me, let me tell you something….you know nothing. I've been in hell for the last 5 years. And even before that, when I was the spoiled child of a Russian oligarch, when…when I had everything money could buy, do you think it has been easy? Being the only child of one of the most powerful man in the country it's not the privilege one may think. It all comes with huge expectations and danger is everywhere! Only the best was expected of me and I was not allowed any mistakes. So believe me when I tell you that I don't care anymore if I live or die. When I was out there, on the streets, there was not a day when I didn't wish to just die!"

"Well, apparently you didn't wish it hard enough…."Nikita said almost jokingly "because if you did, we wouldn't have this conversation right now. And I do know everything about you. I know what you've been through and that is why I said that dying is choosing the easy way out. You die and that is it. No more suffering, no more pain, no more **fighting**. It doesn't take courage to die, it takes courage to live and fight through every hardship in your life. You didn't end your life and not because you're a coward, but because you're brave enough to live….to fight….You may not see it now, but you are more powerful than you think, Alexandra. Being through the hell you've been through…you could have ended your life if you really wanted to. Nothing and no one stopped you. No one, but yourself. So bring up that courage and fight!"

For a few seconds there was complete silence. Alex was looking in Nikita's eyes, looking for something there, something to cling to, something to tell her that it was not all just empty talk what the woman just told her, but that she also believed it. That someone really believed in her. But she saw nothing, nothing but a hard, cold look, like the one from the night before and that made her snap back to reality. Her reality.

"Oooh, stop with the patronizing speech! And what is this? Psych ward?" Alex said rolling her eyes. "Do you think a few big words will fix me and will magically bring back my love for life? Hmmm….this is such bullshit….." she said, passing by Nikita and heading for the door. "You know what, I don't even want to be here right now, so I'm gonna leave. Just like that. You can beat me, punish me, kill me….whatever…I don't care…I'm done."

"Then I guess you've made up your mind. You want to die. Ok…I can make it happen…and I will make it happen…."

Alex stopped and turned to face Nikita, not sure if the woman was mocking her or was being serious.

"But you will have to work for it. You will earn your death….the hard way!"

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?"

"You don't want to obey the rules? Too bad, because I will force you to. I will beat you, starve you, punish you and torture you in ways you never thought possible. I will make you beg for your life and if you don't, if when I'm through with you, you still want to die, than I will grant you your wish. You want the easy way out? Fine! But know this….nothing comes for free in here"

By the time she finished her speech, Nikita was mere inches from Alex, menacingly looking into her eyes.

"Now, if you take one more step to leave this room, I will break one of your legs and if you will try to crawl out, I will break the other, too. So what's it gonna be, Alexandra?"

In a split of a second, Alex began to run for the door, but Nikita, anticipating the move, was faster. A hard kick was all it took and then Alex was on the floor, screaming in pain.

"Aaaaahhhh, Gooodddd, you bitchhh, are you fucking crazy? Oooohh, my Goooddd!"

"No", Nikita said hovering above Alex, "I'm just serious. You probably thought I was joking. Never assume that again". And with that Nikita was gone, leaving Alex on the floor, crying in pain.


	5. Amanda

Nikita entered her office and with a heavy sigh she sat down on the black leather couch that was adorning the space. She was tired and frustrated. The meeting with Alex tested her patience and she knew the hardest part was yet to come.

_Frankly, I don't give a shit if I live or die….…._the young girl's words played constantly in her mind. Nikita knew the feeling very well, so hearing this from Alex wasn't exactly a surprise. Looking at the girl and hearing her say those words was like looking into a mirror and seeing herself a few years ago. She felt sorry for Alex. She was so young, yet she'd been through so much. She really wanted to help her, make her understand she's worth living, make her want to fight for her life. But she could not show her any sympathy. She could not reveal her true nature in front of the girl, because that would be like killing her herself. She would have to be tough, because that was the only way she could have any hope to succeed in saving Alex. It hurt her, too when she slapped Alex. She didn't like to hurt people, contrary to what her job was, most of all innocent, scared ones like the girl. But she had to. A recruit interrupting a superior was a motive for punishment inside Division, especially if it involved Amanda. The woman loathed interruptions, moreover when it came from a simple recruit. So Nikita wanted to teach Alex this lesson and she hoped the girl would be smart enough to never repeat that mistake again.

A knock on the door interrupted Nikita's train of thoughts.

"Come in"

"Hello, Nikita", Amanda said with that ever mysterious smile on her face.

"Amanda! And what brings you by this part of town?"

"Oh, Nikita, you never fail to amuse me"

"Well, I didn't know I _amuse_ you, but it's good to know. Have a seat, please. Can I offer you something?"

"Thank you, whiskey would be fine."

As she was pouring the woman's drink, Nikita couldn't help but think that this unexpected visit had something to do with Alex. Amanda knew everything that was happening inside those walls, so, by now, she was surely aware of how their encounter went. Most likely, Amanda would want to have some "therapy" session with Alex and Nikita wanted to do everything to avoid that. The last thing the girl needed now was Amanda poking inside her head.

"So, I assume you want to talk about Alex."

"That's correct. I've heard Alex is in medical and I wanted to know what happened."

"The girl is more stubborn than I expected and I wanted to teach her a lesson. It won't be easy getting her on the right path, but I am sure I'm gonna succeed. I am very determined to do so."

"Good, I knew once you'd meet her, you'd see my way. As soon as she recovers, I'm going to have a few sessions with her. I think it will help her state of mind and ease your mission."

"I really don't see it necessary. I think I'll be fine just on my own. If you try questioning her, she might get even more defensive."

"I disagree, I think it's for her own good to let it all out. Besides, I still have to get her to detox anyway, so I'll multitask. And don't worry, I have my own ways to not make her feel defensive about it", Amanda said with an eerily reassuring smile on her face.

_Oh, of course you do! Don't I know it, _Nikita thought while returning the smile, pretending that she agreed. And she couldn't argue with Amanda on this one. The girl was an addict and she needed to be free of that before any training could begin.

"Fine, then."

"Then it's all settled. The doctors told me she'll be up and ready in 3 days, so I'll begin my session then."

"Ok, Amanda. We'll keep in touch. And I will need a full report after your…sessions…so I know what I'm dealing with. I will take 2 days off, if that's Ok. I didn't get a chance to recover properly after I came back from London."

"Oh, but of course, dear. You rest. If something comes up we know where to find you. And don't worry, Alex is in good hands", Amanda said while exiting Nikita's office.

"That's precisely why I'm worried about, bitch. Alex being in your hands!" Nikita thought out loud, once she was left alone. _Jesus….that's the last thing I needed right now…..Why can't_ _it all be easy, just for once in my life…._


	6. Windows

Nikita entered the recovery room in medical. She wanted to see Alex before she headed home, so she could give her a little heads up before her sessions with Amanda. She knew it was a risky move, but she was willing to take the chance. She saw something in that girl that could not let her be indifferent to her faith. And it could also make Alex gain some faith in her and that would help a lot. The room was big and heavily equipped. Everything was hi-tech, no expenses were spared for the speediest recovery of those injured in missions. It was quiet. Alex was their only patient today and she required minimum supervision, so the doctors and nurses could busy themselves with other stuff. Nikita was thankful about that, because it would give her the privacy she needed for her talk with Alex. She knew the girl will be pissed, so she braced herself for the encounter. Being steady, unwavering and in control was her best weapon in dealing with Alex. So, approaching her bed, Nikita pot on that mask that she hated so much, but that was absolutely necessary.

"Hello, Alexandra. How are you feeling? Has the pain subsided?"

The hateful, disgusted look that Alex gave her was something Nikita expected, so she didn't even flinch.

"What the hell are you doing here? Came to gloat?"

"No, I came to check on you and to talk to you. Do you think we can have a normal conversation for a change?"

"You almost broke my leg! How that qualifies for a normal conversation?"

"Almost! And I could have, but I had a sudden change of heart. Breaking your leg would have left you incapacitated for far too long and we need to start training as soon as possible"

"Oh, am I supposed to thank you now?"

"Mmm, if you want to…."

"Go to hell…"

"Not yet! I still have some unfinished business."

"Like what? Torture me? Alex spat defiantly.

Nikita couldn't help but smile a little, seeing how proud and fearless Alex was. The same as she was when she first came to Division. She would make a hell of an agent.

"Oh, she smiles" Alex said ironically.

"Enough! I came here to talk to you and we can get interrupted any second so listen up. You will be ready to leave medical in 3 days. You are still an addict, so Amanda will begin her detox sessions with you. It will be painful, but it will be fast. What you need to know is that, during these sessions, she will use a powerful drug that will speed up you recovery, but it will also allow her to play all sorts of mind games with you, so she can manipulate your mind and learn everything there is to know about you. Your fears, your weaknesses, your strengths and your secrets. You need to know this, because the more aware you are about what she's doing, the better you can fight her and not let her take control of your mind."

At this point, Alex began to laugh, making Nikita sigh in frustration.

"Alex, did you hear a word I said?"

"It's Alexandra!" she said, suddenly becoming serious again. "And yes, I did hear every word you said. Do you really expect me to believe this? Mind control? Jesus? What is this? Are we in a sci-fi movie? 'Cause if we are, it is a really bad one."

"Could you possibly be this stupid? Your death was faked, you are currently in an **underground** facility that is unknown to anyone on this planet, even to the president, you see all these crazy looking machines around you and you still don't get it?"

"Oh, so that's why there are no windows…." Alex said in a low, contemplative voice.

"What?"

"Nothing, I just noticed there were no windows here and I was wondering why…"

Nikita was stunned. "Windows?...I told you that the Government faked your death, that you practically don't exist anymore and you're wondering about windows…Jesus…maybe you are hopeless after all….."Nikita said more to herself, running her fingers through her hair. "Forget about it. Pretend I was never here."

"Whatever…" Alex said dismissively.

"Oh…" Nikita said as she was heading for the door "and if you tell Amanda a word about what I've just told you, we will both be dead. I know you don't value your life very much at this point, but I would like to keep mine. So I'm asking you to keep it to yourself".

"Don't worry" Alex said in a somewhat mocking tone "my lips are sealed".

"Ok, then. I'll see you in a few days".


	7. A good day

_Chapter 7 - A good day_

The past two days, combined with the tiredness accumulated on the London mission, were beginning to take its toll on Nikita. Her whole body was sore and her head was pounding, so she decided to have this night all to herself. As she was heading for the bathroom, she put on some relaxing music and then she began discarding her clothes, feeling lighter and lighter. She prepared herself a nice, hot bath and, as she was immersing in the steaming water, she felt like everything in the world was fading away. She sat like that, just soaking in, allowing the water to soothe every muscle in her body and listening to those soft tunes that always managed to relax her completely. By the time she got out of the bathtub the headache subsided almost completely, so she decided to pour herself a well deserved glass of white wine. Then, she made herself comfortable on that big, soft couch that she liked so much, enveloped in her favorite blanket. It was a perfect moment and Nikita would have given anything to stop the time and stay like this forever. No Division, no evil in the world, no more killings or mission, no Percy or Amanda, no Alex…

_Alex….._she thought, the girl suddenly back on her mind. She couldn't help it. As much as she wanted this evening to be void of any thoughts concerning her job, she just couldn't avoid it. To say she was concerned about the situation with Alex, was an understatement. She was downright worried. She knew all too well that Division was about "second chances", as they liked to call it, but not about third ones. If Alex didn't show signs of improvement soon, she would be canceled. And giving her attitude and her lack of interest in her own life, Nikita doubted that it would be much longer until that possibility was brought into discussion by either Percy or Amanda. So what could she do? The only way was to continue to push Alex, to be hard on her and at the same time to try to show her that she was worth living. It was a hell of a task, but she was decided to do everything in her power to save the girl from cancellation. But, in the end, it would be all up to Alex. Feeling her head heavy again, Nikita decided to call it a night. She turned off all the lights, apart from a small lamp on her vanity and she got into bed. As tired as she was, sleep came soon, erasing everything from her mind.

* * *

A week later, Nikita felt better than she felt in ages. The two days she had to herself, with surprisingly no interruption from Amanda, worked miracles on her. The rest of the week was also a quiet one inside Division for her. No active missions, no meetings with Percy and Amanda, all she had to do was follow up on old mission, making sure that everything was in order. It also gave her time to arrange a few more things with Henry, her guy on the outside that would provide her with every weapon and piece of technology she would need to survive after her escape. A soft knock on the door interrupted her from the work she was doing on the computer.

"Come in!...Alexandra…." she said, as the girl stepped inside her office.

"Hey….Amanda told me to report to you so we can begin our training or whatever. I'm clean from any drugs, so…..here I am".

"Good, I'm glad to hear that. And have a seat. Water?" Nikita asked, heading for the mini bar.

"Sure…"

"How's your leg?"

"Completely recovered. I'm surprised you care".

"Well, I see Amanda didn't have time to teach you any manners yet, but I am sure it will follow soon".

"I was raised in a mansion with a private tutor to teach me everything there is to know about manners and etiquette, so I don't think there is anything Amanda could teach me that I don't already know. In fact, I bet I could give her some lessons."

"Oh, that would be fun to watch" Nikita said with a small laugh. "But anyway, I'm glad you're Ok, regardless of what you think of me. Now let's go."

* * *

"So, the first thing we'll do is get you in shape. After the detox you went through, your body needs to build some stamina before we start with the fighting techniques. This week we'll work on the cardio part. It will be intense, because we're already behind schedule, so be ready".

"Great…."

"It is! And you should enjoy it because it's the easiest part of your training."

For the whole morning, Nikita worked Alex very hard. She needed to get her in shape fast and she also hoped that exercise and gaining some physical strength would help her feel better about herself.

"So, how was it? How do you feel?" Nikita asked when their training session was done.

"Do you really need to ask that? Can't you see I can hardly breathe?"

"Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad. You should see what the other trainers do to their recruits. I was more than easy on you" Nikita said, knowing that, in fact, she was anything but easy with Alex.

"Now go shower, grab something to eat and try to learn something in your computers lab. Birkhoff is a genius you know. Pay attention to him and try not to be a smart ass. He doesn't like that. And he does have an important word to say in your evaluation."

"As if I care….."

"Well I care! See you back here at 4. And by that I mean 4, not 10 minutes later! Understood?"

"Loud and clear!" Alex said defiantly.

"Good! See you then."

* * *

The rest of the day went well for Alex. Computers was rather boring and she couldn't wait to get out of there. At 4, and not one second later, she was back in the training room. They worked continuously for 4 more hours, until even Nikita was beginning to feel a little worn out.

"I think it's enough for today."

"You think? Nooo, I say we stay here for the whole night. I'm just getting warmed up", Alex said between heavy breaths."

"Very funny, Alexandra, very funny. Look, I know it's hard, but it's the only way. Your first evaluation it's in three months and the way you lived before got your body in a very bad shape. You have a lot to catch up. Now go eat your dinner and get some rest for the night."

"In case you didn't notice, dinner time was an hour ago. I doubt they're still waiting for me to show up…"

"Oh, you're right, I didn't even realize what time it is." Nikita lied. She knew exactly what time it was. She extended their training time on purpose, just to see if Alex would protest or try to leave without permission, like the last time. When it didn't happen, she was pleasantly surprised. Maybe she was getting through to her after all. "Well, since I don't want to be responsible for you going to bed with an empty stomach, I will get you something to eat. Hurry up, take a really quick shower and meet me in my office. I'm kind of hungry myself, so we'll eat together."

"Fine…..but nothing with fish in it! They cook it horribly in here! Alex said while heading for the shower.

"Picky, aren't we?"

"Always!"

* * *

After what must have been the quickest shower of her life, Alex hurried to Nikita's office. Lights out was at 9 and she had to be back in her room by then. They enjoyed a delicious meal, thanks to Nikita's status inside Division and the conversation was light.

"Well, thanks for dinner. I guess I should leave now." Alex said, somehow reluctant to be back in her grey room again, alone with her nightmares.

"No problem. I hope you enjoyed it."

"I did, it was good" Alex said, standing up to leave.

"Alexandra…" Nikita said, stopping the girl midway to the door, "today was a good day. You did well under the circumstances. Everyday will get better, I promise you."

"Nikita….I did what you told me to and I will continue doing it, but just because I don't want to get back to that room in medical and I certainly don't want another session with Amanda trying to instill in me the desire to live. But whether I do good or not, what happens to me at the end of these 3 months…..I don't really care…..I told you that before and it hasn't changed…..Good night. See you tomorrow."

Nikita nodded with a heavy sigh, but didn't say a word. She just stood there, watching Alex close the door behind her and feeling that helplessness creeping up on her again. But she couldn't let that be. She had to shake it off and move forward. Regardless of what Alex said, today was a good day. The fact that the girl's self defense system kicked in and she didn't want to be hurt again or face Amanda was a good sign. Alex may not realize it, but she was on the right track. Nikita only hoped that 3 months would be enough to bring her to her full potential.

_Here we go…._


	8. Teach me

_Ch. 8 - Teach me_

"Are you trying to….meditate?"Nikita voice echoed throughout the big space.

"What the…." Alex almost screamed, suddenly startled from her thoughts. "Jesus, you really like creeping up on people, don't you?"

"Not really….just you. It's fun, what can I say?" Nikita said jokingly, leaning against the door frame of the training room.

"Well, if I didn't know better, I'd say you're trying to kill me with these scares."

"Believe me, there are a lot quicker and effective ways to kill somebody."

"And I bet you're gonna teach me all of them" Alex said, as Nikita was approaching her.

"I will, but all in due time. But you didn't answer my question. Were you trying to meditate or were you just taking a nap?"

"I was just thinking. Why? It's that a crime, too, around here?"

"Depends on who you ask….But anyway, what were you thinking about so hard?"

"The fact that I am trapped in here! Fenced in! Caged! Like…like a circus animal being trained to perform…..I have never lived like that before and it is killing me. I can't stand it anymore…" Alex honestly said, while desperately looking at Nikita. "Can't you do something? Help me get out? I swear I'll just disappear and never tell a soul about this place."

"Alexandra…..", Nikita sighed, " first of all, I don't have the power to get you out of here unless you are authorized for an op, which is a long way ahead. Second of all, you wouldn't get the chance to even look in the direction of the exit door and you'd be shot on site."

Alex looked defeated and desperate at the same time. Nikita was her only hope and now that was gone, too.

"I know how you feel….." Nikita said, trying hard to maintain a somewhat hard surface, while her heart broke a little more for the innocent girl in front of her. She hated this place and what it did to people like her and Alex and now she hated it even more.

"No , you don't…"

"Believe me, I do" Nikita said understandingly. I was in the same dark place once…"

"And how did you do it? How did you come to terms with all of this?"

"Meditation….."

"What? Are you mocking me? 'Cause it's not funny."

"Not at all. I'm actually very serious. You see…" Nikita said, sitting down on one of the training mats on the floor and signaling Alex to do the same, "meditation is about training your mind. It's similar, in a way, to all the exercises that we've been doing for the past week, designed to train your body, the difference being that it involves your mind and soul. It's not easy, but once you begin to practice, you'll soon experience a quieter mind, a more open heart, and a sense of inner freedom. It helps a lot with the physical lack of it. It helped me."

"Teach me", Alex said with a hint of hope in her voice.

"Are you sure? It's not for everybody. It takes a lot of concentration and focus."

"Positive. When can we start?

"We can start tomorrow. This day it's almost over and we still have some training to do"

"Then let's get a move on. I want this day to be over. I hurt everywhere" Alex complained.

"Ok. Let's hit the punching bag first. Your still punch like a little girl."

"I am not! Watch me!" Alex said, but when she threw the first punch she couldn't help the pained grimace that showed on her face.

"Hey, what's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"It's nothing. Just my right shoulder. It's been bothering me all day. But it's Ok, we can continue."

"No we can't. We'll call it a day. Go to medical and get that shoulder checked and we'll continue tomorrow."

"Nikita…." Alex tried to protest.

"Alexandra, don't fight me on this. We can't afford any injury. It would be a major setback and it's the last thing you need right now. Go! I'll see you tomorrow morning." Nikita said as she was gathering her things to leave.

"Fine….."

* * *

"It's nothing serious", the doctor said. "I'll just give you a shot and you'll be fine by tomorrow."

"Thanks…"

"Done! You can go now, just take it easy tonight. No more training until tomorrow."

"Ok…."

As Alex was heading for the door, Amanda suddenly entered the room.

"Alexandra….I heard you were here. What happened? Another altercation with Nikita?"

"No, just a minor injury to my shoulder. It's fine."

"Well I'm glad to hear that. And how have you been lately? How's your training going?"

"Perfect!" Alex said, not really interested in a conversation with Amanda. "If you'll excuse me, I would like to go now. I'm really tired." But as she was heading for the door, Amanda grabbed her wrist.

"Why the rush? It's been a while since we've talked."

"You wanna talk? In here?"

"And why not? Any place is good for a little chat." Amanda said, narrowing her cat-like eyes and smiling.

Alex hated that look and trying to avoid it she began to look anywhere in the room, but at Amanda. Suddenly her eyes fell on a silvery object on the doctor's tray and her mind went blank. Amanda was talking to her, but she couldn't hear a word of it. All she could think was that this might be her chance. Her only chance to get out of there.

"Alexandra, did you hear me? I asked you a question."

"No, in fact I didn't….you bitch!" Alex spitted through gritted teeth, the same time as she pointed the sharp blade of the scalpel at Amanda's neck.

"Alexandra….you're making a mistake…."

"Am I? No, you did a big mistake when you locked me in here. Now, you're gonna fix that mistake and get me out of here. I wanna get out! I don't wanna become your puppet. I don't wanna kill for you. I'm not a murderer! I didn't kill anyone!" Alex said as quietly as she could, so she wouldn't alert anyone.

"Out? There is no getting out of here."

"That's a lie. Where there is an entry, there's an exit. So we're gonna take that elevator and you're gonna show me where the exit is, or I'll cut your throat so deep that you'll bleed out in seconds!"

"And do you think that elevator leads to freedom?" Amanda said, as calm as always.

"Where else?" Alex asked furiously, pressing the blade just a little bit more.

"Just another room…The more you'll try to escape, you will only find another room. I told you, Alex, there is no way out."

Alex's eyes begat to water with unshed tears and her determination was fading. Sensing that, Amanda took advantage of the situation.

"I don't know what you've heard or where you've got these ideas from, but we're not murderers...We're protectors. We protect our country and that's why you're here for, too. And besides, why would you want to leave? This is your home now."

"Home? What home? I don't even know what home is anymore."

"Home, Alexandra, is where you stop running. You've been running and hiding for the past few years, but now you can stop. You're safe here. You're finally home. Now, I can promise I won't tell anyone about this, if you promise to put down the scalpel." Amanda said in a deliberately soothing voice, slowly lowering Alex's hand and taking the scalpel from her.

"No….please….I can't be here anymore….." Alex said, feeling like she was losing her mind.

"Yes you can. It's your only option….Now go get some rest, you'll feel better in the morning" Amanda said, leaving a distraught Alex behind.

As she was heading towards her office, Amanda took out her phone and pressed the dial button.

"My office! Now!"

* * *

Oooops! Drama, drama, drama! Who do you think Amanda is calling? And what do you think the consequences will be for Alex? And more importantly, how will Nikita react when she finds out what Alex did? Answer fast and I will post the next chapter really soon. It's a good one, I promise! :))


	9. You are me

_**Ch. 9 - You are me**_

The long shower she took managed to somehow calm Alex a bit, but the pounding in her head made it difficult to fall asleep. She wanted so bad to go to the training room and blow off some steam, but it was forbidden at this hour. Instead, she decided to get out of bed, put on some relaxing music and try to meditate a little. Nikita told her it would help, so why not go for it. _How hard could it be, _she thought. But before her feet could touch the cold floor, the door to her room opened abruptly and the lights were turned on.

Startled by the sudden combination of loud noise and bright light, Alex jumped on her feet. When she saw who the intruder was and the look on her face, she knew immediately what was going on.

"Nikita…..I can expl…"

"Congratulations, Alexandra! Today is the day you get your wish! Today is the day you die!"

"What?" Alex asked bewildered.

"Here, take it." Nikita said, handing Alex a gun.

Alex was shocked. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak, all she could do was stare at the woman in front of her. First she thought it was a joke, a test, but the look in Nikita's eyes told her it was not.

"I said TAKE IT", Nikita said in a raised voice. "You want to die, don't you?"

"Y…yes…I….but…"

"Then take the gun and do it yourself. Because I am here to grant you your wish, but I will not have your blood on my hands. I did nothing but help you! Support you! Teach you! And what did you do? Sabotage everything! Do you know where I've been for the last hour?"

"Nikita, please let me explain" Alex begged.

"Explain what, Alexandra? How I had to sit for an hour and listen to Amanda's not so subtle threats. Listen to her accusing me that I've put crazy ideas in your head? Do you know what this could mean for me? Instant cancellation!...It doesn't matter how good of an agent I am or what I've accomplished so far, everyone is expandable in here.

"I know….and I'm sorry" Alex said, lowering her eyes and staring at the grey floor. "I didn't want to cause you problems."

"Then why the hell did you do it?" Nikita asked angrily, while throwing the gun on the bed.

"I…I don't know…I was desperate, confused…I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore…Being trapped in here….I feel like I'm losing my mind, Nikita…"

Seeing Alex so defeated, so hopeless, seeing the tears falling from her eyes, took Nikita back all those years ago when she was brought to Division and it dissipated all the anger. She wanted nothing more than to give Alex a big hug and then get her out of this place and make her disappear forever. She was just a child. But that was impossible, so all Nikita could do was take Alex into her arms and allow the girl to cry and let it all out.

Nikita's gesture took Alex by surprise, but she had no more power left in her to fight it. And in all honesty, she didn't want to. It felt so good to feel the contact of another human being after such a long time. To feel the genuine care and allow herself to be comforted. For the first time in forever she felt truly safe. The way Nikita rubbed small circles on her back and caressed her hair, left no doubt in Alex's mind that the woman really cared. That she should not be afraid of her. It was hard for Alex to trust anyone after all that happened in her life, but in that very moment she decided to let Nikita in and trust her.

"Why do you care about me? I'm nothing…I'm worthless…" Alex spoke, her voice barely a whisper.

"Alexandra….look at me" Nikita said, lifting Alex's chin to make the girl look into her eyes. She needed Alex to really listen and believe her. It was her only chance to reach inside the girl and make her believe in herself again. "I care….I care because you are me…and I was you…When I was first brought here I was like a wild animal. Out of control. I screamed, kicked, punched, bit. I wouldn't listen to anyone and all I wanted was to die…. Sounds familiar?"

"Well, I didn't bite anyone yet, so…" Alex said with a mischievous look on her face.

"Yeah, I wouldn't recommend that anyway. They taste really bad" Nikita said jokingly. "Anyway….My point is I know exactly how you feel. I've been there. It's the reason why I was assigned to your case in the first place. Amanda thought I could relate to you. And I do…..And you only have two choices. Continue like this and eventually die, or get yourself together and live. I know it's hard and sometimes it will seem impossible. But you can do it. You have amazing potential and you are strong. I've seen you and you remind me so much of myself. That's why I know you can do it. And I promise you I will be here every step of the way. I will help you, if you'll let me."

"But how did you do it? How did you get to that point where you decided to live?" Alex asked almost desperately.

"Come here" Nikita said while sitting on the bed and inviting Alex to do the same. "It took a long time and a lot of soul searching. I, too, thought I was worthless. But time will prove you wrong. You will find yourself in a situation when you'll have to help someone, save someone's life and you'll realize that you can make a difference. Meditation also helped me a lot and I have Birkhoff to thank for that. He thought me how to do it."

"Really? I wouldn't have guessed that about him."

"Yeah, he doesn't really seem like that kind of guy, but people may surprise you sometimes. He seems tough, but he's a great guy and someone you can trust. When you'll be in a mission, he will be the voice in your ear, telling you bad jokes, but bringing you back safe."

"Oh, that's reassuring" Alex said with a small laugh.

"Look, Alexandra….I don't have a magic cure or a specific answer that you are looking for. All I can tell you is that it will take some time for you to appreciate yourself again, but in the end it will be worth it. You matter….and the sooner you realize that, the better. You'll just have to trust me and yourself. We can do this….together" Nikita said as she gently cupped Alex's cheek. "Ok?"

"Ok….Thank you" Alex smiled and took Nikita's hand into hers.

"Now, I hope you enjoyed this little moment we've had, because it's the last time you'll see me being soft like that. Tomorrow I will start kicking your ass again." Nikita said, rising from the bed. "No exceptions".

"Oh, I have no doubt about that."

"And if you tell anyone I hugged you, I'll deny everything. I have a reputation to maintain, you know?" Nikita said smiling sheepishly.

"Riiight, riiight….the always cold and tough Nikita"

"Exactly! Well, I don't know about you, but I am beat. It's been a hell of a day and I need to sleep. From tomorrow on we work harder than before, so I'll let you rest, too."

"Hey, don't forget the gun. I might get crazy and go on a killing spree."

"Don't worry…it's not loaded." Nikita said, smiling knowingly.

"So, you almost gave me a heart attack with an unloaded gun? Man, you're good!"

"I know….Now, sleep! And that's an order!"

"What? No good night kiss?"

"Not tonight, Alexandra" said Nikita, while heading for the door.

"It's Alex….."

Nikita stopped in the doorway and turned around with a quizzical look on her face.

"From now on, I am Alex…Alexandra is in the past….

Nikita nodded understandingly and smiled "Nice to finally meet you, Alex….."


	10. Focus

_**Ch. 10 - Focus**_

"Harder, damn it!" Nikita yelled in frustration.

They've been training for two weeks and though she could see Alex was doing her best, she still wasn't very satisfied with her progress. She knew the girl could do better, if only she could focus more.

"I'm kicking as hard as I can! What more do you want from me?"

"No, you're not! You are stronger than you think, you just have to focus! Breathe! I thought you how to breathe properly while fighting and I know for sure you've mastered the technique, so what's wrong? Why are you losing your focus again?"

"I'm not…..I'm just….tired of this….." Alex said dejectedly, throwing away her gloves.

"Oh, please, not again with this….Alex, we've had this conversation before. I told you there will be times when things will seem impossible, but they're not. Believe me! You just have to look at the bigger picture, to focus on your goal, to visualize the result, to…what the hell is so funny?" Nikita said annoyed by the amused look on Alex's face.

"You! I was talking about physical tiredness and here you are, going all psych on me again."

"And do you think it's funny?"

"It is, actually. But relax! I've heard you the first time. I'm just exhausted."

"Fine, we'll stop for today. It's late anyway."

"And I've missed dinner again because of you. I guess you know what that means, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, ok, I got the point. Go shower and we'll have dinner together. In your room, this time. I was planning on teaching you how to meditate anyway and we can do it tonight. Being in a familiar, comfortable environment helps and I've noticed you've made your room quite cozy."

"Ok, I'll be waiting for you then. And remember, no fish!" Alex said as she was heading for the door.

"How could I ever forget?"

* * *

"Dinner is served", Nikita said, while pushing the food tray inside Alex's room. "Tonight's menu is shrimp pasta and ginger tea with lemon, orange and honey. Is the lady satisfied?" Nikita joked, making fun of Alex's whims.

"But I said….."

"I know, no fish or any other….fishy stuff. But you know, technically shrimp is just seafood."

"I know that, but in here they cook horribly anything that comes from the sea. Well, I guess I'll just have to make do with the tea" Alex said, rolling her eyes.

"No you won't, because once you'll get a taste of it you won't be able to stop", Nikita said while arranging the food on the small table.

"I will absolutely not…."

"Oh, just shut up! Sit down!"

Although reluctant, Alex sat down at the table and watched Nikita taking the lid off the plate.

"Well, it looks good, but I'll just have the tea."

"Oh, well then your loss...and my gain. It is, after all, made by the best chef in town" Nikita said deliberately.

"Yeah, right!" Alex laughed. "You're so full of sh…."

"Hey, watch your language at the dinner table, miss. And I'm not lying. I know you don't like how they cook fish or seafood in here, so I called my favorite chef and asked him to deliver this to me. An undercover agent picked it up in town and brought it here."

Alex was stunned. "You did this…..for me?"

"Of course, why not? You've earned a decent meal or two these past weeks."

"Oh, just one or two, huh?"

"Don't push it, just eat and enjoy."

"Well, you went through all this trouble, the least I can do is taste it."

"Mhhm" Nikita nodded with a mouth full of pasta.

"Oh my God, this is absolutely delicious! Alex said delighted, after taking the first bite.

"Told you…"

"Thank you…really…"

"Like I said, you've earned it." Nikita smiled, giving Alex a cup of tea. "Now savor your tea. It will help you relax and prepare for meditation."


	11. Breathe

_**Ch. 11 - Breathe**_

* * *

"Ok, Alex, I don't want to keep you up too late, so let's begin. I brought some relaxing music to help you, just give me a sec."

Alex was a bit nervous. She never tried this before and she wasn't sure it would work for her. But she desperately wanted to. She needed some peace of mind and some clarity if she were to survive in here. Hearing the soft, calming tunes helped her relax a bit and she decided to give it her best try.

"First of all, you need to be as comfortable as possible, so take off your sweatshirt and your shoes."

"Oh, so that's what this is all about. You wanna take advantage of me, huh?" Alex said with a mischievous look.

"Cocky…I like that!" Nikita said smiling.

"I know…." Alex responded seductively.

"Oh, do you?"

"I did my own observations, too, you know."

"And what did you…observed about me?"Nikita asked, playing along.

"Well, that's for me to know and for you to wonder I guess" Alex said playfully.

"Feeling very smart, aren't we?"

"Always!"

"Ok, enough chit chat" Nikita declared. "Sit down on the floor. Cross your legs and keep your hands as relaxed as possible."

Alex sat on the floor and saw Nikita do the same. They were now facing each other, ready to share this moment together.

"Let me begin by telling you that the whole of meditation practice can be essentialized into these 3 crucial points: bring your mind home, release and relax!" Nikita began talking in a low, calming voice. "Liberation of the mind is the ultimate goal of meditation. So…close your eyes…..focus on the music for a few seconds, let it carry you away and sooth all your anxieties…..Keep your back straight, but not too tense. Think of tuning a guitar string. It should be just right, neither too tight nor too loose."

Alex tried to find a suitable position, but her back felt either too tense or too slumped. Suddenly she felt one hand on her shoulder and another on her lower back.

"Relax….Let me show you". Nikita began to slowly move her hand up and down Alex's back, feeling all her tense spots and making the girl move along with her. "How's that?" she asked when she felt satisfied with Alex's position.

"Perfect…." Alex replied, still feeling the warmth and the tingling left by Nikita's hand.

"Now…let my voice guide you….Direct your attention to the abdomen. Find the point that seems clearest to you. Don't look at it. Just place your mind there. Then bring your mental attention to your breath….Take a few slow, deep breaths…In…and out….then let the breath settle in its own pattern, let it flow naturally…Relax your face…your neck…your shoulders…feel every part of your body relaxing…..As you breathe in, the abdomen expands…As you breathe out, it contracts. Observe the motions from beginning to end with your mind. You don't have to do anything to them. Just know the movements without judging or describing them. If it is difficult to perceive the rising and falling motions, put your hand on your stomach in order to feel them clearly. Just like this" Nikita said, placing her hand on Alex's abdomen and feeling the muscles move with her fingertips.

For a second Alex stopped breathing. The jolt of electricity she felt at Nikita's touch took her completely by surprise and she hoped that the older woman didn't notice the sharp intake of breath she took. But Nikita did noticed and she gently withdrew her hand, a rather surprised look that Alex couldn't see appearing in her eyes.

"As you do the exercise", Nikita continued, "restrict your attention to what is occurring in the _immediate present moment_. Don't think about the past or future, don't think about anything at all. Let go of worries, concerns and memories…Empty your mind of everything except the abdominal movements occurring right now. But don't _think_ about them, just _know_ them….If at any point, you become aware that you're mind has wondered away, simply ignore it and gently bring it back to your breathing. Do not become upset that your mind has drifted away. Don't be frustrated or irritated. Simply focus your attention on the breathing again."

Both girls sat like that for a few minutes and Nikita kept quiet, allowing Alex to fully relax and practice what she told her. When she thought it was enough for a first lesson, she spoke again.

"In your own time…..and at your own pace…gently bring your attention back to your body and how it is feeling at this time….when you're ready, slowly open your eyes …"

Alex was slowly coming back, guided by Nikita's calming voice. When she finally opened her eyes, she was met with a pair of piercing brown ones that she's come to know so well and with a smile that she couldn't believe it belonged to a woman who, in different circumstances, could be a ruthless killer.

"How do you feel?" Nikita asked her, still sitting on the floor.

"Amazing…refreshed…grateful…"

"I'm glad it worked. I knew it would. You needed it so much it couldn't fail. And it will only get better as your technique improves. I will keep teaching you, but in the end you will find your own pace and comfort. My work will be complete when you'll no longer need me and you'll master this yourself."

"I will always need you" Alex spoke before even thinking "I…I mean…."

"And I will be around for as long as it takes" Nikita interrupted, taking Alex's hand into hers in an understanding gesture.

"Why?"

"Well…that's for me to know and for you to wonder, isn't it?" Nikita replied amused, as a payback for Alex's earlier response.

The younger woman laughed at how childish her mentor could be sometimes. "Wow, you just had to say it didn't you?"

"Well, you just made it too easy. It was hard not to."

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"Ok, it's bed time for you now. And frankly, for me too" Nikita said standing up from the floor and putting her shoes back on.

"Thank you!"

"Don't mention it. I promised I will show you and I always keep my promises. And it was good for me, too. I haven't done it in a while and I forgot how much I've missed it. Now, off to bed with you. Sleep tight."

"What? No good night kiss again?" Alex said with a childish look on her face.

"Oh my God, you're impossible! Come here". Nikita extended her arms and gave Alex the warmest and most sincere hug she could. And it felt right. She really began to care for the girl a lot and she figured it wouldn't hurt showing her that from time to time. "That's all you get!"

"Coming from you, that's more than I would've expected" Alex said with a small laugh. She knew Nikita very well and she wasn't one for mushy, sappy things.

"I gather that's one of your observations" Nikita stated.

"It might be…." Alex said very confident of herself.

"Good night, Alex. See you tomorrow. Be prepared!"

"Always am, sensei!"

* * *

Back at her apartment, Nikita poured herself a glass of red wine and relaxed on the big sofa in her state of the art living room. She really enjoyed her private lesson with Alex and it reminded her how much she needed to meditate again. She hoped that it would help the girl as much as it helped her. Then, she suddenly remembered Alex's reaction when she touched her and she drew in a heavy breath.

_Oh, Alex….._she thought, taking a sip of wine ….._don't go there….._

* * *

So, what do you think? Is Nikita overstepping her attributions as Alex's trainer? Is she giving the girl too much attention? What do you think should happen next? I'm curious to see what you think. Thank you!


	12. Ready, aim, shoot!

_**Ch. 12 - Ready, aim, shoot!**_

* * *

For the next two months they trained hard, long hours. Their dinners together became a regular thing and an enjoyable moment for the both of them. Meditation was also a moment they liked to share and through that, they formed a bond that was hard to deny. Every day Alex was making more and more progress and Nikita was more invested in her than in any other recruit ever before. Alex was also very determined not only to survive past the three months evaluation, but to make Nikita proud of her. She came to respect her mentor a great deal and she wanted to repay her dedication by mastering every technique and skill to perfection. Nikita became her rock, her friend and her hope. She had no one else in the world except for her.

"Ok, so your first evaluation is one month from today. For this whole month we'll deal with weapons and your shooting skills. You'll have a great amount of information and technical stuff to take in and time is not our friend right now. You'll eat when you can, as fast as you can and rest as much as you can. Your brain needs to function at maximum capacity, Ok?" Nikita said, while entering the shooting range with Alex.

"My brain is just fine, thank you" Alex answered with feigned offence.

"Sometimes, I really doubt it." Nikita smiled playfully

"Ooh, what's that supposed to mean?! Are you calling me stupid?"

"Relax, kid! Where's your sense of humor? You're anything but stupid, you know that."

"When are you gonna stop calling me kid? I'm not a damn kid anymore!"

"When you're going to prove me that you've matured enough and you're responsible enough."

"Oh, yeah…" Alex slowly turned to face Nikita, coming dangerously close and looking straight into her eyes, "and what exactly do I have to do to show you how….mature I am, huh?"

Nikita stared into those magnetic blue eyes a few seconds longer than she should have, but kept her composure and snapped back into trainer mode. In one swift move and with a hint of a smile on her lips, she grabbed Alex's shoulders and turned her around, towards the shooting targets.

"You could begin by shutting up and concentrate on what you have to do to become the best agent Division's ever seen…besides me, of course."

"Presumptuous much?" Alex asked, while watching her target appearing at the far end of the obscure room.

"No, honey, just realistic."

"Ok, so how do I do this?" Alex asked, taking her place at the shooting station, while Nikita was standing behind her.

"First of all, you start by putting your earphones and goggles on. We can't afford you being deaf nor blind, can we? Ok, now take the gun in your hands…feel it….get acquainted with it. You've learned everything there is to know about guns in your weapons class, so you'll be able to know what you're dealing with the second you see or touch one, right?"

"Yeap"

"Now, the most important rule in handling guns is to treat every firearm as if it were ifs, ands, or buts. Even if you know the gun is unloaded, still handle it as if it were loaded. Alright, let's get down to business now. Raise your gun and point it in the direction of the target….Grip the gun high on the back strap. This gives you more leverage against the weapon. Are you good so far?"

"Guess so…"

"Ok, now place your other hand so that it is pressed firmly against the exposed portion of the grip not covered by the gun hand. All the fingers of your support hand should be under the trigger guard with the index finger pressed hard underneath it, ok?"

"Ok…..go on"

"Now, stand with your feet and hips shoulder width apart" Nikita instructed, sliding her fingers on Alex's shoulder and resting her hand on the small of her back, as to show her how to assume the correct position.

Involuntarily, Alex's heart skipped a beat and she slightly turned her head towards the woman behind her.

"Don't move, Alex. We have to get this right, so we can proceed" Nikita said a little harshly than intended, while gently removing her hands. She felt Alex's reaction and she knew her touch was the cause of it, but she needed the girl to focus right now.

Hearing Nikita's stern voice, Alex snapped back to reality "S..sorry, let's do this", she stammered.

"Good. Now bend your knees slightly and lean forward a bit. It allows you to fire the weapon with stability and mobility. And raise the weapon toward your target", Nikita further instructed, while checking Alex's stance. "Something else you should know is that when shooting, a common point of confusion is where to focus your eye. The target? The sight? The front sight is the most important part of the sight picture. While the target and rear sight may be fuzzy by focusing on the front post, maintaining this sight picture is the most accurate way of shooting."

"God, this is hard!" Alex exclaimed

"I know, but it's not impossible. We'll get through this, too, trust me."

"I do…."

"Good, that's good", Nikita smiled from behind Alex. "Now, when you're ready to shoot and you've practiced aiming and steadying the gun, load it and prepare for shooting. And one more thing, Alex. Always be aware of your surroundings. You can't rely only on your gun when you're in a fight. Your senses must be on high alert every second. Never forget that!"

"Got it!" Alex said, her eyes trained on the target.

"Now shoot!"

Alex took a few good seconds, controlled her breath, aimed and shot. She took off her earphones, pressed a button and bought the target closer to see the result.

"Well, it's no way near perfect", Nikita said, "but it's impressive for your first try. Most recruits miss the target completely on their first attempts. You clearly have great potential, which is a huge relief" Nikita said, smiling encouragingly at Alex.

"Thanks! And who knows, maybe I'll even get better than you."

"Don't get ahead of yourself, smart ass!"

"Just sayn'….it could happen" Alex said with fake seriousness.

"In your dreams, girl! Now, back to work."

"But it's lunch time. My stomach is protesting really hard, you know?"

"I know, but remember what I told you. Eat when you can. And right now….you can't."

"You really are mean, you know?"

"No, I am not. A few hours without food won't kill you. But failing at this will surely do. So you see? I only have your best interest in mind" Nikita said, smiling sheepishly.

"Oh, yeah, right!" Alex smiled. "Fine, I'll keep practicing. You can go eat. There's no point in both of us starving. I'll just improve my basics until you come back."

"Are you sure?" Nikita eyed Alex suspiciously. "Aren't you going to make me suffer by starving me alongside with you? Well, that's really big of you, Alexandra. I'm touched!" Nikita said sarcastically.

"Yeah, well, what can I say? I fell generous today."

"And if you'll excuse me, I'll take advantage of that. I'll go enjoy a well deserved and delicious lunch!"

"Oohh, and you said you weren't mean!"

"Well….maybe sometimes….you're funny when you're pissed at me, I can't resist" Nikita said with a wink.

"Oh my God! I swear I'll get you for that!" Alex laughed, rolling her eyes at her mentor's childish behavior.

"Can't wait!" Nikita answered looking over her shoulder, while heading for the door. "And don't get slack while I'm gone. I've got eyes everywhere!"

* * *

"Back so soon? Was the food that bad?" Alex asked, sensing Nikita's presence in the room, although the older woman used her cat like abilities to see if she can take the girl by surprise.

"Well, I'll be damned! You're finally getting good at this! I'm impressed!"

"You said I should always be aware of my surroundings, didn't you?"

"I did, yes, but I didn't think you would manage it so perfectly."

"Well, I'm a natural, what can I say." Alex said with a smug expression on her face.

"Oh, now who's the presumptuous one?"

"Not presumptuous, just….realistic."

"Ok, ok, you got me. Satisfied?"

"Far from it…." Alex said playfully. "So why back so soon?"

"Weeelll, I just felt guilty eating there, by myself, while you were starving here. And since you can't afford to lose time, I thought I should spare you a trip to the cafeteria and bring you a sandwich. If you can eat and shoot at the same time, now that would really be impressive."

"Watch me!" Alex said, taking the sandwich from Nikita's hand. "Oh, and thank you. I really appreciate it. It's nice to have someone who cares for me….it's been a while…."

"Hey, it's fine. I told you I would do everything I can to help you. And if bringing you lunch, helps, then I'm happy to do it. I am your boss, yes, but I am also your friend. And I care for you….." Nikita said, resting her hand on Alex's shoulder.

"Thank you…." Alex said, hugging Nikita.

"Ok now, back to practice. I'm just dying to see you eat and shoot. That should be fun!"

* * *

_Percy's office:_

"I just came from the shooting range" Amanda said, taking a seat.

"Improving your skills?" Percy asked amused.

"I was planning to, but Nikita and Alex were there so I just stood in the doorway and watched for a while, since they didn't notice me."

"And?"

"I think we have a situation…"

"What do you mean?"

"They've formed a bond. I've never seen Nikita treat a recruit like that and Alex might be a little too attached to her. That girl was lonely and abused for most of her life, so now she's desperately clinging to anyone who's treating her like a human being."

"Do you think Nikita is stepping the line?"

"Not necessarily. I think she did what she had to do to get Alex back on track and maybe she got carried away a little. She let herself care too much."

"So why is this worrying you? We want Alex to become the best she can be and if Nikita can help her, what's the problem?"

"The problem is this may develop into something else along the way. They're both vulnerable in their own way and anything can happen. I've seen how Alex looks at her. We have a policy of not allowing friendships or any other kind of relationships in here and no exception can be made or it will send a wrong message to everybody else."

"So what do you suggest then?"

"Separate the two of them for a while. Alex needs to make it on her own and to rely on nobody but herself."

"Ok, then do it. Send Nikita on an extended mission and it's done."

"No, not now. Alex still has a month of training until her evaluation and she needs all the motivation she can get. I have the perfect plan in mind and I know exactly how and when to do it…." Amanda said, with a catty smile on her face.


	13. Boundaries

_**Ch. 13 - Boundaries**_

* * *

Alex was in the common training area, lying down on one of the training mats. By now she was not only training with Nikita exclusively, but she also had to participate in fighting classes with the other recruits. She was feeling a bit under the weather today and she was in no mood to spar. The trainer on the other hand, a tall pack of muscles named Ryan, was known to be one of the toughest around. He accepted no excuses from recruits and he wasn't about to bend the rules for Alex.

"Alex, you're up!" he shouted from the other side of the room.

"Can't you give me a break today?" Alex whined, still lying down. "I'm not feeling very well. It's not like I'm the only one around here. Plenty of other people to spar with. I promise I'll work extra tomorrow."

"I said you're up!", Ryan firmly said, his voice suddenly coming from somewhere above Alex.

Opening her eyes, she saw him standing just a few inches from her, a cold stoned look on his face. Reluctantly, Alex got to her feet and started walking towards the sparing mat, barely dragging her feet and swearing under her breath. Halfway there, she saw Nikita walking hurriedly along the corridor separating the training ground from the cafeteria.

_Oh, thank God, _she thought with a relieved expression on her face.

"Nikita, hey, wait a sec" Alex shouted, running towards the stairway.

Hearing the girl's voice, the older woman glanced sideway and slowed her steps.

"God, I'm so glad you're here! Please, you have to he…." Alex began, but she was brutally interrupted by the deep and by now irritated voice of Ryan.

"What the hell! I said sparring mat, recruit! NOW!"

"Hey, hey! Calm down, Ryan. What's going on, here?" Nikita asked confused, descending the few steps into the training area and looking between Alex and the very angry looking man.

"Well, apparently, you little _friend_ here", Ryan began, making Nikita raise her head defiantly at his mocking words, "decided that she is no mood to train today. She thinks this is frakin' summer camp!"

"It's not like I don't want to, Jesus! I told you, I'm not feeling well"

"I. Don't. Care!"

"Stop it! Both of you!" Nikita snapped.

"Nikita, please, tell the man you'll allow me to take a few hours off. After all, you have authority over him, don't you?"

"What?", Nikita asked, looking incredulously at Alex. She couldn't believe this was happening and she knew it was all her fault. She knew this may happen. Forming a close relationship with Alex was risky and apparently the girl thought their friendship meant special privileges.

"No, she's not!", Ryan spat mockingly.

"Alex, you are out of line here!", Nikita said coldly. "This is Ryan's territory and what he says, you do! Are we clear?"

Alex was shocked. She looked at Nikita like she was suddenly seeing a total stranger and not the woman who was supposed to be her friend and protector. She tried to open her mouth to say something, but she didn't have the chance. Nikita grabbed her hand and looked menacingly into her eyes.

"Just go!"

Alex returned the same cold, angry look, their staring match lasting for a few seconds before she angrily pulled her hand from Nikita's and left.

"Next time, I'll report her to Amanda", Ryan said before leaving, too, but not before giving Nikita a look of superiority and anger.

"There will be no next time", she answered, returning the glare.

Nikita needed a few seconds to compose herself, but when she did she got out of there as fast as she could. She walked without looking back. Not once. Not even when she heard Alex's pained screams nor when she was sure she heard the girl throw up after what must have been a harder than usual kick from an angry Ryan. Reaching her destination, Nikita slammed the door of her office hard and locked it behind her. She also closed the blinds since she was in no mood for interruptions right now. Her head was pounding and she poured herself a glass of alcohol. She wasn't used to drinking strong liquor, she mostly had it there for when Amanda came, but today she really needed it. She emptied the glass in one single gulp and closed her eyes tight, feeling the hot liquid burn her insides. After the sensation wore off, she sat on the couch and tried to gather her thoughts. She leaned her head and closed her eyes.

_God, what a mess… _she thought. _What the hell am I supposed to do now? Is this my fault? Did I let it get too far? How didn't I see this coming? _she asked herself. And she really didn't. Maybe she was too preoccupied about her escape or too willing to do anything to help Alex. Whatever the reason was, Nikita knew that somewhere along the way she let her guard down too much. It never happened to her before so why now? What was it about Alex that made Nikita get so close to her and allow this to happen? Maybe it was the fact that Alex reminded her so much of herself when she first came to Division.

_Yes, this must be the reason….._Nikita thought, _this has to be the reason….._

So what was she going to do now? She knew all too well the dangers of forming close relationships of any kind inside Division. First of all it was forbidden and second of all, almost every time ended badly. So what could she do now? Distancing herself from Alex was not an option. She couldn't risk jeopardizing all the progress the girl did and such a drastic measure would surely get Alex right back where she started. And if she was being honest with herself, she didn't want to do that. She liked what they had. It felt right. It felt good to have someone to feel close to. To share a laugh with, to have dinner with, even if it was inside Division, and to care about. No, she definitely couldn't do that. But she needed to talk to Alex. She needed the girl to know that, inside here at least, their relationship had limitations. She needed to set boundaries and she need to do it now.


	14. I need you

_**Ch. 14 - I need you**_

* * *

**So, this chapter and the next one were the hardest but also the most beautiful to write so far. I love them! And I hope you'll enjoy them, too. Reviews are the best! Feel free to have an opinion, good or bad. I appreciate both equally.**

* * *

Alex was back from medical and she was lying in her bed, waiting for the medicine to work its magic. She was already starting to feel some improvement, since she stopped throwing up and the room stopped spinning. But the pain she was feeling was not only physical. It was in her heart, too. Pain and anger was what she currently felt more than anything. How could Nikita do this to her, she thought. They were supposed to be friends or at least she thought so. She was supposed to be her ally in here, but instead she just threw her to the wolves without looking back. And there it was again. That feeling of complete loneliness coming back to her stronger than before. What was she going to do now? How was she going to survive this with absolutely no one on her side? Lying like that and contemplating her faith, she heard the door open and then close. She didn't have to open her eyes to know who it was. She knew it. She felt it. She felt _her_ and the tension that began to feel the room_. _Her heart began to beat faster and she felt tears welling up in her eyes. So she kept them closed. She couldn't open them or all hell would break loose and she didn't want that. She didn't want to show any sign of weakness.

"We have to talk" she heard Nikita's low, smoky voice.

Silence…..

"I know you're not sleeping, so get up because we really need to talk."

"And does it have to be right now?" she finally answered, after a few more seconds of deliberate silence, her voice cold and a little bit harsh.

"Yes, it does!"

"Why?"

"Because I say so! Nikita said firmly, but with no hint of anger or impatience in her voice.

"Of course…..and who am I to say otherwise…..well, speak then….I'm all ears…."

More silence…Alex knew she was being watched, but she didn't move. A couple of moments later, she heard Nikita's footsteps and then felt her sitting down on the other side of the bed. She still didn't move. She kept her back turned and just waited.

"How are you feeling?" Nikita asked softly.

"Oh, did you come here to talk about my health? Good! It will be a short conversation then. I'm just peachy! There, subject closed. You can leave now."

"Alex, cut the crap!" Nikita began, a little irritated this time. "You know very well that you've crossed the line today. How could you be so reckless? What did you expect me to do?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe show a little support! A little understanding!" Alex responded reproachfully.

"And then what? Let's say I would've played along. That I would've disregarded Ryan and allowed you to take time off. What then, Alex?"

"What do you mean what then?"

"What do you think the consequences would have been? For the both of us."

"For God's sake! What consequences? I was sick! I just needed to go to medical, get treated, rest a bit and then I would've returned to whatever I was supposed to do! What's the big deal?"

"It _is_ a big deal, Alex! It is a _big _deal!" Nikita stressed. "You said you wanted me to show you support, understanding? You want to know what would have happened if I would've done that? You wouldn't be here right now because you'd be dead!"

"Oh, please….."

"Listen to me!" Nikita almost shouted.

"You would be dead and I wouldn't be doing a lot better either. You know very well that any kind of close relationships are strictly forbidden. It's their number one rule in here. Forming bonds is regarded as the most dangerous thing a recruit or an agent can do. It's a threat! And threats are eliminated. "

"You and Birkhoff are friends!"

"But you don't see us parading it around! Yes, I consider him a friend and he probably has a soft spot for me, too. That doesn't mean he does me any favors, or at least any obvious ones, or that I allow any technical mistakes from him during missions. What we feel in regards to each other does not interfere with our work. We care for each other, a lot, but we're being smart about it. What you did today was plain stupid!"

Alex was silent. She began to realize that what Nikita was saying was true, but she was still hurt. After a few more seconds of calming herself down, she felt strong enough to turn around and face the other woman.

"I just needed you help….and you just left…."

"And do you think it was easy for me to do that? To hear you scream in pain and spill your guts out?" Nikita asked with desperation in her voice "But leaving was the only way to help you! Alex, I've been here much, much longer than you and I know how things work. Ryan wouldn't have tolerated me undermining his authority like that. He would have gone straight to Amanda. And that's not even the only issue here, Alex. What about later? When you'll be promoted as an agent. When you'll be out there, on missions. Do you think for a second that a cramp or a headache or having a bad day will matter? You will have to complete the mission and stay alive in the process. You'll have no one but yourself and your enemy needs nothing more than a small crack in your defense to take you down. You can't afford to be weak…You can't afford to have your attention distracted by anything or anyone and you certainly can't afford to take a moment to nurse a bruised or broken bone. You need to be strong and in control. I may not always be there to look out for you. At the end of the day, there is no one to rely on but yourself. So, yes. I left you there today to handle it on your own and I would do the same again. And not because I am a complete bitch or because I don't care about you. It's precisely because I do care! A lot! Showing you sympathy when it's not the case or granting you special favors just because I feel sorry for you would be like killing you myself…And I'll be damned if I'll be responsible for that!... I'd rather have you hate me than see you dead!"

By now Alex realized the full extent of her mistake and the truth in Nikita's words. Her anger was suddenly replaced by understanding and she looked up to meet her mentor's gaze.

"I don't hate u….." she said softly. "I never did…..I was just angry…..and sad…." she said, causing Nikita to cringe a bit more on the inside at her words. "But I understand now it was wrong and reckless of me to take advantage of our friendship like that. I'm sorry….it won't happen again…."

"You're not the only one to blame here…." Nikita sighed, lowering her eyes. "I'm equally responsible…if not more…I should be the adult here. I'm your trainer and I should have known better. I let my guard down too much and my mistake put you in danger."

"Hey….no, don't say that, it's not true."

"But it is! And now I have doubts…..I don't know if I'm the right person to train you anymore….Maybe you should be transferred to someone else. It would be the…" Nikita began, but she didn't have the chance to finish her words when Alex suddenly was next to her.

"NO!" the girl protested, taking Nikita's hands into hers. "No! Please, you can't do that! Anything but that! I can't do this without you! You pulled me from the deepest hole and gave me hope again. You are my rock and the reason why I'm still alive in the first place! You can't abandon me now! Not you, too…I couldn't handle it….Please!" Alex finished her desperate plea, with tears in her eyes. She didn't care if she showed her weakness anymore. She just couldn't lose Nikita. It was not an option and she was willing to do anything.

"Alex…."

"Nikita, please…..I will never behave like that again. I've learned my lesson and I understand the danger now. I will do anything you want me to, but don't give up on me….."

Nikita's heart was in pieces. She hated this place more than ever before and she wanted nothing more than to erase it from the face of the earth. The helplessness she felt was driving her insane. She took a few calming breaths and looked at Alex.

"Ok…." she said softly, still not completely sure that she was making the right decision. "But there will have to be boundaries…rules…."

"I can do rules! Rules are fine as long as you're with me…I _need _you" Alex stressed, making sure that Nikita understood how serious she was.

"Ok…but things will change. From now on you will eat with the other recruits, as you're supposed to. No more dinners or lunches together…..And you will meditate alone. You've learned all there is to know from me, so you will do just fine. We've let things get too far, Alex. And we both got distracted and careless. So no more distractions. We train and that's it. If you need to talk to me about something, I'm always here for you, but nothing more. If you need my help with anything other than what we do in the training room, you come directly to me. You may never approach me like you did today or we're done. Do you understand?"

"I do….." Alex responded sadly. Their alone time together was the highlight of her day and she dreaded losing that. But she was willing to accept anything not to lose Nikita.

"And do you think you can manage that?"

"As long as I have you, I can…."

Nikita smiled sadly and nodded, her eyes never leaving Alex's. A few more seconds passed in complete silence, than she got to her feet and slowly headed for the door.

"I'll let you rest now…..are you feeling better?" she asked, halfway through the room.

"Yes, I am. I guess they gave me the good stuff in there" Alex smiled weakly.

"Ok…I hope you'll recover completely by tomorrow. We still have a lot to do and we only have one month to go…Good night, Alex…." Nikita said and turned around to leave.

"I guess no more good night hugs either, right?"

_God….. _Nikita said to herself, while stopping for a second and closing her eyes to get a hold of herself.

"No….not anymore….." she said without turning around an in such a small voice that Alex barely heard her. But she did hear her and the sadness in the older woman's voice didn't go unnoticed.

"Good night, sensei…."

* * *

She was walking fast. The hallways were dark and empty at that hour and she prayed it would remain so until she got to the auto bay and out of there. She felt like she couldn't breathe and she needed air like never before, so when she reached the surface she closed her eyes, leaned against her car and let the cool air fill her lungs. Suddenly she felt something on her face and when she touched it she opened her eyes in shock. She was crying! She was crying and she didn't even realize it. How could this happen to her? And why now with only so little time left before leaving this place forever? She was feeling an overwhelming sadness and realizing why, shook her to the core. How was she supposed to do this now? How was she supposed to leave without looking back? How was she supposed to run and leave Alex behind?

_God damnit! _She cursed inwardly while getting behind the wheel and driving away. _I need you, too, Alex…_


	15. Be brave, be strong, be smart

_**Ch. 15 – Be brave, be strong, be smart**_

The rest of the month went by quickly and with no other incidents. Alex kept her promise and respected Nikita's rules and Nikita did her best to keep the distance. They just trained incessantly, trying to make the most of the little time they had until Alex's evaluation. And the day was finally here. Almost. It was the night before the big day and to say that Alex was nervous was a huge understatement. She was literally terrified. Sitting on the floor of her room, she was trying to meditate in order to calm down a bit. But it was no use. She was too scared and agitated to concentrate. She was on the verge of a break down and the soft knock on the door made her jump to her feet and shudder.

"Come in" she answered, trying to catch her breath.

When the door opened and she saw Nikita enter the room, Alex was overcome with relief. Despite their self imposed distance, she always felt at ease and safe around the older woman. Sure, things had changed since that day and they've managed to keep their relationship strictly professional most of the time, but the connection was still there. Alex felt it and she was sure Nikita did, too. A few times she even caught Nikita looking at her a little longer than necessary, when she thought the girl was not paying attention, and what she saw in her eyes was something Alex didn't quite know how to deal with. And she wasn't sure Nikita knew either. So when she saw the woman come in, she smiled with relief and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Come to wish me luck?"

"Yeah…we didn't have the chance to talk after tonight's training ended, so I thought I'd stop by to see how you're doing."

Alex smiled, but chose to stay silent.

"So…..how are you? Nervous?"

"You have no idea….." Alex said, lowering her eyes.

"I do….I remember my first evaluation like it was yesterday….I was a wreck, too, you know?"

"You? I find it hard to believe."

"Why? I am human, too. And I was just a kid, just like you are now. I had nobody to talk to….nobody to rely on…."

"I guess I'm luckier, then….I have you…." Alex said, raising her eyes to meet Nikita's.

"I guess you are…" the woman smiled tenderly.

"And how did you do it? How did you manage to stay calm and in control, 'cause I can't seem to be able to do that right now and I could really use some words of wisdom…."

"I don't know…..I guess I just….pushed through it all…." Nikita said, coming to sit down next to Alex. "There is no secret way to do it, no magic potion to drink and give you courage….You just have to realize that this is it. There is no turning back. This is what you've trained for and you'll just have to trust that it will all be worth it. That your survival instinct will kick in and you will do whatever it takes to complete your mission and come back safely."

"And what if I can't? What if I freeze with fear? Or what if I make a simple mistake or overlook something and I screw it all up?"

"Alex, you won't!"

"You don't know that!" Alex retorted a bit harshly.

"Of course I do! I am the one who trained you for the past three months. I know you better than anyone…better than you know yourself. I know what you're capable of, I know your skills and I know how strong you are. I believe in you! You have great instincts, Alex. You'll just have to trust them. Trust yourself…..And give me a little credit here" Nikita said after a brief pause, pretending to be offended, but with a smug smile on her face. "I am the best trainer inside Division and none of my recruits have ever failed a mission. Frankly, you drew the lucky ticket when you got stuck with me!"

"Ohh, yeah…lucky me…." Alex responded, laughing.

After a short moment of comfortable silence, Nikita spoke again. "But make no mistake, Alex. There is no such thing as an easy mission…."

"I know…preparation is the key to success, right? You taught me that."

"And you should never forget it! You've been briefed on your mission, we've discussed every detail and planed for any situation that may occur?"

"Yes…"

"Then go over it again. After I'm gone, lie down and go over every detail again and again until everything will seem like a natural thing to do."

"Ok…..And you will be there with me, right?"

"Every step of the way! But you know I am there just as a backup in case something goes wrong. I am there just as your handler and to observe how you complete the exercise. You cannot rely on me or expect me to help you in any way. You should even forget I am there. Imagine that you are alone, in control and you have to complete a mission, Ok?"

"Ok….."

"Ok, then…..anything else I can do for you before I leave?"

_Don't leave…._Alex thought to herself. But she couldn't say it out loud. She knew the rules. Instead she remained silent and just looked into Nikita's eyes, wanting to say so much, but not uttering a word. And she didn't have to. Nikita understood that look very well, but she couldn't give in. Her job was done and Alex had to be fine on her own. So with that in mind she got up and prepared to leave. As she was ready to say goodbye, she remembered something else that could help Alex.

"Have you tried to meditate? It may calm your down a little…help you get your thoughts in order."

"I have…Just before you came in…But I couldn't…I just can't concentrate…I can't….But don't worry, I'll be fine…..you can leave…." Alex said, blinking rapidly to keep the tears away.

Nikita closed her eyes for a second and breathed deeply. She knew she should leave, but she just couldn't move. It was beyond herself. It pained her too much to see Alex so helpless and in that moment she decided forget her own rules and stay a few more minutes. Alex needed her right now and she knew just how much. It wasn't just a whim, the girl really needed all the support she could get and Nikita couldn't deny her that. So instead of heading for the door, she went to the small stereo on the nightstand and pressed play. Then, she closed the short distance between her and Alex and took her by the hands. Alex looked a bit surprised by her gesture, but didn't say anything.

"Come on…." Nikita said softly, leading them towards the middle of the room. Then she bent down, never letting go of Alex's hands. The girl silently followed her and soon they were both sitting on the floor, face to face.

"Nikita, you don't have to…."

"Shhh…." Nikita whispered, gently removing a strand of hair from Alex's face. "I know I don't have to…..but I want to….." she said, caressing Alex's face with the tip of her fingers. Alex closed her eyes and leaned into the touch, realizing how much she missed Nikita's warmth and closeness. A few seconds later, Nikita withdrew her hand and Alex opened her eyes slowly, not wanting to let go of that feeling so soon.

"No…don't open your eyes" Nikita said softly. "Keep them closed, feel the music and just follow my voice…."

Alex smiled and did what she was told. She knew what Nikita was doing and she was grateful for it.

"Relax…..Relax your back…your face…..your arms…..your muscles….feel your whole body relax and breathe…Breathe in…..and out. Take deep, slow breaths…..in…..and out…..Concentrate on your breathing alone…nothing else…..Visualize the air that goes in…..and then comes out. See the path that it's taking. Feel how it fills you and nourishes every cell in your body…..Your whole body is reenergized and there is nothing around you but the air you breathe…Let your breath find its own rhythm and just go with the motions….never let your mind wander away. Focus on your breathing and that alone…"

Nikita kept talking slowly and gently, her voice low and calming, guiding Alex as well as she always used to. And it felt so natural to her. Like they never stopped doing it. They were in complete sync and Alex felt more relaxed than she felt in a long time. It was amazing the effect Nikita had on her. How she always managed to calm her and guide her through a successful meditation session. So listening to her mentor's voice, she emptied her mind of everything else and just focused on her breathing. Then it was nothing but silence. Each woman breathing at her own pace and taking their time to liberate their minds completely. After some time, Nikita began to speak again.

"Now…..slowly…..gradually…..stop focusing on just your breath and bring your attention back to your body and how it feels in this moment….When you're ready, open your eyes and take in your surroundings….."

"Wow….." was all Alex managed to say after opening her eyes.

"Welcome back….." Nikita offered, smiling at her.

"That was…"

"Amazing…."

"I never felt like that before in our other sessions."

"Yeah…..me neither….." Nikita said, lowering her eyes for a second.

It was an intense experience for both of them and it took them a little bit by surprise. Maybe because it had been so long since they've done this together or maybe because they had too much on their minds to let go. Whatever the reason was, it felt good and neither woman wanted to move and break the perfection of that moment. But it had to be done and Nikita was the first to stand up. Alex followed and they stayed like that for a moment, not knowing exactly what to do next.

"So….." Nikita began "I guess that's it…..I'll see you tomorrow then…."

"Thank you…..I feel much better….."

"I'm glad…"

"Nikita….." Alex spoke, as the older woman was heading for the door. "Whatever happens tomorrow…I just want you to know that I've lived in these past three months more than in the last five years of my life…..You saved me…..and I will never be able to thank you enough for that…."

Hearing those words, stopped Nikita just when she was about to open the door. She breathed in deeply, held that door knob like her life depended on it and willed herself to just leave. She needed to say "good night" and walk away. It was the right thing to do. But before she could take another step outside, her body acted on its own accord and she turned around. Alex was crying and all her rules went to hell. She closed the distance between them and hugged the girl with everything she had in her. She held her tight, caressed her back and closed her eyes tight to keep away the tears that were threatening to spill out. She couldn't back down now. She had made a decision and she would stick to it even if it broke her heart into million pieces. It was the best thing she could do and she was the only one who could do it. Her life and her future were in stake. And not only hers, Alex's too. If not for her, then she had to do it for Alex. This girl deserved a future and a life out of this hell hole.

"It will be alright, Alex…." She said, still holding the girl tight. "You will be alright….Just promise me you'll be brave, strong and smart. Don't do anything stupid, ok? Promise me!"

"What do you mean? Why would I do anything stupid?" Alex asked confused, while taking a step back.

"I was talking about tomorrow" Nikita quickly offered an explanation since she didn't want Alex to worry.

"Oh…don't worry, I won't. I promise! I'm ready now. I won't let you down…."

"Good…that's good…" Nikita smiled reassuringly. "

"And you will be there, right"

"Have I ever failed you?"

Before answering, Alex looked into Nikita's eyes for a few seconds, trying to convey all that she couldn't put into words.

"Never…."

"Good night, Alex…..Be safe…."

"Good night, see you in the morning."

And with that Nikita turned around and left.

* * *

The second she closed the door to her apartment she broke down. She couldn't hold it in anymore. She cried like never before and it felt good to finally let it all out. What happened tonight drained her completely and almost made her change her decision. But she didn't. She couldn't. It was not only for her, it was for all of them. And it was for Alex, too. It was just so damn hard. It killed her to leave the girl alone in there, not knowing what would happen to her. But she had to believe it was going to be ok. She needed to believe that. After all, she pushed Alex so hard for a reason. To make her as strong as she could be. To know that she will be able to handle herself and stay alive. She taught Alex everything she knew and the girl was quick to learn and acquired great skills. Yes, Alex will be fine. She had to be. There was nothing more she could do now, but hope for the best and fight for their future. For a moment, she even contemplated the idea of taking Alex with her, but she knew it couldn't be. What she had to do in order to escape, the plan she and Henry had, was too dangerous. If she were to die in this attempt, fine. She knew what she was getting into, it was her choice and she was ready. But to be responsible for Alex's death…..Never! She would never risk the girl's life like that. So she kept to the original idea of doing this on her own, while deciding that she would come back for Alex as soon as it will be safe. Alex will have to understand. So after picking herself up from the floor, Nikita headed for the bedroom and started going through her plan for the next day again and again until every single detail was memorized to perfection. Failure was not an option. Too much was at stake. When she was about to go to bed, her burner phone rang. She took it from its hiding place and answered.

"Hello, Henry."

"Nikita, hi! I just called to let you know that everything is in place and to make sure we're a go! Are you ready for tomorrow?"

"I am! As ready as I'll ever be!"

"Good then….Good luck! Give them hell! And hope to hear from you soon!"

"Thanks, Henry. And thank you for everything."

Nikita ended the conversation and put the phone into the hidden pocket of her jacket. She was tired and had to rest. She needed a clear head and all her focus for what she was about to do. So after taking a quick shower, she got into bed and closed her eyes. Soon she began to drift away and all she could think before completely fall asleep was _her_.

_Forgive me, Alex….._


	16. A broken promise

_**Ch. 16 - A broken promise**_

It was 08.00 AM and Nikita was walking through those grey hallways in Division that she hated so much. It was her last day in that hell hole and she was on edge. She had planned this in every detail and nothing could go wrong or it would all have been in vain. She tried hard not to think about it though. This was also a crucial day for Alex and she had to be there for the girl 100%. She couldn't afford to be distracted, so she let go of all the thoughts about her escape and focused on what she had to do next. She was just heading towards the room where Alex was getting ready for her mission, when a guard suddenly intercepted her.

"Amanda needs to see you!"

"Now? I'm just about to leave on a mission with my recruit. Can't it wait?"

"Amanda's orders!"

_What could she possibly want now? _Nikita scoffed internally. "Fine, I'll go!" She answered with a cold look to the guard.

* * *

"Nikita, hello, take a seat, please" Amanda invited, with that ever present feline look in her eyes.

"Amanda, whatever this is about, can't it wait? You know I have to leave with Alex soon and I need some time to get ready, too. Not to mention I have to…."

"Relax, dear….It's all been taken care of. You're not leaving so you don't have to hurry anywhere."

"What? Why? What do you mean I'm not leaving? Alex can't go alone on this!"

"Of course not! Another agent has been assigned to go with her."

"But why?" Nikita asked bewildered.

"Because you are needed elsewhere. The surveillance op you were supposed to go on tonight it's happening now. They've shifted the time of their meeting and you have to go now, or we'll miss them completely."

"But….but how is this possible? Are you sure the intel is correct? They've never done this before….Why now? Could they be on to us?"

"I don't think so. We've taken every precaution and our source assured us that they suspect nothing. It's probably just a change in their timetable. But nevertheless, you should be extra careful. Don't get caught off guard."

_Something's not right here…_Nikita thought. "Ok, but can't you send someone else? There are plenty of other agents capable of doing this and you know I have to go with Alex. I've trained her since the beginning and I should be the one going with her."

"Nikita, you've been in charge of this operation since the beginning, you know everything about it. We don't have time to prepare another agent and we can't risk exposure now. We're too close. And besides, Alex will be just fine. Ian is going with her and he is more than capable to handle this."

"Amanda, please, Alex needs me there. You can't do this!"

"Nikita, this is not up for discussion. You have your orders. Now go!"

Nikita was furious. This never happened before. A recruit always went on his evaluation mission with the agent who trained him, so this was unexpected. And she promised Alex she would be there. She needed to do something, at least talk to the girl before she left.

"Fine…." She said through clenched teeth, "but I have to talk to Alex first. I have to let her know I'm not going with her."

"I'm afraid there is no time for that. You have to go get ready now and Alex is about to leave anyway. Ian is with her right now, so there's no point in you talking to her. You'll only be making her more nervous than she already is. She'll be here when you come back. You'll see her then."

"But…."

"No buts! As I said, this is not up for discussion. You are an agent of Division and you have your orders. Go prepare. You need to leave as soon as possible. Here…." Amanda said, handing Nikita a tablet, "this is the new timetable. As you can see, time is really of the essence. So hurry. I'll see you when you get back." And with that, Amanda left the room, leaving a speechless Nikita standing in the middle of her office.

_What the hell do I do now…..My God…..Alex….. _But she couldn't do anything and she knew it. Amanda said she was not allowed to see Alex and Nikita knew any attempt would be futile. _But why now? _Nikita thought. _Could she suspect something about my plan? That's impossible….I wouldn't be standing here, I would be dead already. So what the hell is this…._Nikita thought to herself, trying to come up with an explanation. Suddenly, she began to realize something. _Could it be…..Of course…..How didn't I see this coming….This is all my fault….Damn it! _Nikita knew exactly why Amanda was acting this way. She must have noticed the close relationship between her and Alex and this was her way of taking action against it. Frankly, Nikita expected something like this after that incident with Ryan in the training room and she was surprised and worried when nothing happened. She knew Amanda found out about it. The woman knew everything that was going on inside Division and it wasn't like her to be silent like that. Now she knew why there were no consequences after that incident. Amanda had planned for this all along. She let Nikita finish her job as Alex's trainer, only to pull them apart now. Now, when Alex needed her the most.

_Amanda, you bitch! _Nikita cursed internally, her hands turning into fists. _I'm so sorry, Alex…Please, be safe….._

* * *

"Nikita, thank Go…" Alex said nervously, while turning for the door. But to her surprise, the person entering the room was not Nikita. It was Ian, a trainer she knew from Division, but with whom she had no interaction before.

"Come on, recruit, it's time to go."

"What….No….this must be a mistake. I'm supposed to go with Nikita."

"There are no mistakes inside Division. I'm coming with you, so let's move. We're wasting time."

"Please, can you check again?" Alex began, becoming more and more agitated. "I'm sure it must be a mistake. Nikita said she….."

"There is no mistake, Alex" Amanda interrupted her from the doorframe. "Ian is here to take you on your evaluation mission. Are you ready?" she asked, smiling.

"I am, but this cannot be right. I'm supposed to go with Nikita. She's my trainer. Where is she?"

"Nikita had more important matters to take care of. You'll be fine with Ian. He's one of our best agents. Now, don't worry about anything else….." Amanda said, coming closer to Alex and resting a hand on her shoulder "…just focus on your exercise, complete your mission and you'll be fine."

_More important matters…..._Alex thought, both sad and upset _…she promised she'll be here…how could she do this…._

"Alex!" Ian called her name, bringing her back to reality. "Let's go. The car is waiting."

Alex was hurt, confused and scared. The look in her eyes was desperate and she was on the verge of crying. But she couldn't do that. Not now and not in front of Amanda. She couldn't show any sign of weakness because weak people were not tolerated inside Division. So in a matter of seconds she gathered herself, put on a strong façade and left the preparation room, following Ian. Yes, she was hurt and she was very scared, but despite it all, something kept repeating in her head. _Be brave!...Be strong!...Be smart! _And even if those were the words of the woman who let her down and abandoned her, as Alex was thinking right now, she decided to do just that. To be brave, strong and smart. To focus, remember everything she learnt all those months and complete the mission. Today would not be the day she would fail. Today would be the day she'd prove to Nikita and all of Division that she is worth it. That she can be a good agent and that she is not disposable. And most of all, today would be the day she would show Nikita that she can handle things on her own. That she doesn't need her or anyone else to have her back. _Alexandra Udinov will be just fine….._

* * *

Nikita was speeding through the highway. _Focus, _she thought, _think….think….._ The wheels in her head were spinning fast. She was on a time limit and she needed to come up with a new plan. This was her chance to disappear forever and she could not fail. She would rather die than to go back to Division. Suddenly she remembered something. She tore open the hidden seam in her jacket and took out the burner phone. She dialed the only number in her agenda and she waited.

"Nikita?" a male voice responded.

"Henry! Thank God….Listen, I don't have much time. The timetable on my surveillance mission has changed and I on my way there now. This is it, Henry. This is my only chance. We have to do it now! You have to set up the diversion now!"

"Nikita….but…."

"No buts, Henry! I won't get another chance! It's now or never! And I don't plan on going back to Division. So, can you do it or not?"

"Ok, ok, I will do it. I'm leaving now."

"Thank you, Henry. And I will pay you extra for this."

"Don't worry, Nikita. This one's on me. You've been more than generous, it's fine."

"Ok….thanks….and hurry, please"

"I'm on my way. And Nikita….be careful…."

"I will….Bye."

Once she finished the call, Nikita threw the phone out the window and into the river under the bridge she was crossing. She couldn't risk making any more contact with Henry. She had to trust him now and hope he will have everything ready by the time she got there. She knew it was a risky move, but it really was her only chance. So with that in mind and more determined than ever, she sped up, wanting to finish this once and for all.


	17. The exit

_**Ch. 17 - The exit**_

* * *

"What the hell just happened?" Percy shouted, looking at the big screen in the Computers room.

Silence. Everybody was silent, looking at the same screen as their boss. They saw what happened and they knew what it meant, but nobody could speak. All they could do was watch in shock.

"Birkhoff!" Amanda yelled at the dumbfounded tech. "Don't just sit there, do something! Scan this again, run a search grid, anything! This must be an error!"

Hearing the woman's frantic words, the tech snapped back to reality and began to furiously type on his computer.

"Nothing….." he barely whispered after a few moments. "There's no signal….Oh my God…."

"Birkhoff, how could this happen?" Percy asked furiously.

"I….I have no idea. Everything was going as planned….Nikki was in place and then….it just...exploded….She's….there's no signal….her tracker is off!" Birkhoff spoke bewildered.

"Are you sure about this?" Amanda asked, equally as shocked as everybody else in the room.

"There is absolutely no signal. Shadownet is still searching but nothing so far. So….yeah….I'm pretty sure about it…."

An eerie silence settled again in the room and no one even dared to breathe. The only sound they could hear was the buzzing coming from all the computers.

"Well don't just stand there. Get to work! We have other missions happening right now, too." Percy shouted angrily. "And send a team immediately to clean the place of any evidence Nikita was ever there. Also, they should return with any evidence they can find about what was happening at that meeting. Sift through every bit of ash if necessary, but don't come back empty handed."

"Sir…." Birkhoff dared to speak, "…what about Nikita's body? Shouldn't they look for it? Maybe she just died from the blast. Maybe she didn't burn in the fire. They could bring her back and…."

"And what? Give her a proper funeral? With military honors and all? Are you stupid, Seymour? IF there is anything left of Nikita's body, they will deal with it on site. And by that I mean dissolve it in acid. We can't afford any evidence leading back to us, you know that. Our resources will be used to bring back any evidence that will help us complete our mission, not to retrieve a corpse. Nikita is dead. She is not our business anymore and we are not a funeral house. Now get back to work! All of you!"

"You son of a…" Birkhoff yelled, enraged by Percy's cold words.

"Be very careful with what you're about to say next, Birkhoff! You may be the best tech in here, but everybody can be replaced. So get back in your seat, because you don't want to mess with me right now" Percy said menacingly.

Birkhoff was trembling with rage, but he just shut his mouth, closed his hands into tight fists and looked at the man in front of him with a look filled with disgust.

"Amanda, follow me!" Percy ordered.

After the two left, Birkhoff could hold it in anymore. "Everybody, OUT, NOW!" Knowing better than to argue with the man that, after Percy and Amanda, was their superior, the other members of the staff left the room to give him space and time to recover. They all knew Nikita was special to Birkhoff, so they understood his need for privacy. Alone in the room, Birkhoff sat on his chair and looked blankly at the computer screen. He couldn't believe it. The mission went perfectly, so was it something he missed? He began to type again…and again…and again. But every time there was no result. Or at least not the one he was wishing for. After a while he gave up. He leaned back in the chair, closed his eyes and began to silently cry. His friend was gone. The only person who gave a damn about him in this place was gone.

"Oh, Nikki….."


	18. Shock to the system

_**Ch. 18 - Shock to the system**_

* * *

The doors of the elevator opened and she stepped out. She was still shaking, but she was back in one piece and she couldn't believe it. It was like it all happened in the blink of an eye. She got to the restaurant where the mission was supposed to take place, did exactly what she knew she had to do, retrieved the chip and walked out of there like she was another ordinary customer. It was exactly like Nikita told her it would be. Her instincts kicked in, she pushed away the fear and completed the mission. And now she was back here. She didn't know if she should feel relieved or frustrated. Sure, she was happy to be alive after her evaluation. It meant that things went as planned. But being back in this place that felt like a cage and that she almost forgot about when, for the first time in months, she was out again, it was like a cold shower. It was overwhelming to her to see the light of day again. To see the streets full of people, all the colors of nature and all the life happening right before her eyes. She missed it. All of it. She wanted to be out again and to experience all that joy. But she knew that, at least for the time being, she was still doomed to live underground.

"Report to Amanda for a full debrief. Good job, Alex" Ian said before turning the corner and leaving Alex all by herself.

_Right, _she thought while heading in the opposite direction, _off to see the dragon lady…._

Walking through the long corridor, she began to think about Nikita. She was still upset about the fact that the woman wasn't there for her on such an important day. More than upset, she was disappointed. She never imagined Nikita would do such a thing. She really believed in her trainer and her assurances that she'll be there every step of the way. And as much as Alex was used to people letting her down or abandon her, coming from Nikita it was a really hard blow. She was hurt and she tried to figure a way to avoid Nikita for the rest of the day. She needed time to sort out her feelings and to suppress her anger or it would all blow up in her face. She knew she had no right to question Nikita, but she wasn't sure she could handle herself if she were to see the woman right now.

"Hey, good job, Alex…" she suddenly heard a voice close to her. She was deep in her thoughts and she didn't see him coming, so it startled her a bit.

"Oh…Tom….yeah, thanks…" she answered with a small smile.

"And….I'm sorry….it must be tough for you…." He said, resting a hand on her shoulder.

"What? What do you mean?" Alex asked, a bit confused.

"Oh…you haven't heard…"

"Heard about what, Tom?"

"Tom!" a male voice shouted, "We gotta leave, now! Come on!"

"Sorry, I have to go! Talk to you later, Alex." He said, while hurrying towards the elevators.

"Tom, wait….." Alex called after him, but he was already out of sight.

_What the hell was that? _Alex thought while resuming her walk.

Turning the corner, she found herself passing by the Computers room. She turned her head to the right and she saw everybody looking at her. They had stern looks on their faces and began whispering to each other. They looked almost sad and Alex was even more puzzled. She started to wander if it had anything to do with her, but she couldn't find a reason why they'd behave like that. She came back alive and well and she completed the mission. So why the sympathy looks? Then she saw Birkhoff and her confusion turned into worry. His body was slumped in his chair and his head was resting in his hands. Suddenly, hearing the commotion around him, he raised his head and Alex gasped. His eyes were red and puffy and he had the looks of a defeated man. It wasn't like Birkhoff to be affected like that by anything, so Alex knew that something was definitely wrong. She decided to descend the stairs into the room and go talk to him, but he immediately got up and left. Alex was stunned. What could have happened to put the always impassive nerd in such a state and why would he be avoiding her? She decided not to follow him, instead she hurried towards Amanda's office. The woman was the only one who could offer her an explanation right now.

* * *

"Alex…come on in…have a seat" Amanda said, in an unusually distracted voice.

"Ok, something's definitely wrong. Everybody's acting weird around me and you're certainly not…..yourself. What's going on, Amanda?"

"First things first, Alex. We debrief and then you get to question me like that. So have a seat and let's begin."

Alex felt her anger rising, but she knew better than to push Amanda. So she obeyed and began to tell the woman every detail about her mission. They talked for about an hour and by the end of it, Alex's patience was running out. She was fidgeting in her chair and she was about to say something, when Amanda spoke.

"Ok, that sums up the debrief. Now…..Alex…..you guessed it right. There is something wrong…"

"Is it something I did? Because I followed the mission plan to a tee, I…."

"No, you did nothing wrong. You completed the mission perfectly and you are now a provisional agent. Congratulations!" Amanda offered, with a fake smile.

"Thank you…."

"But something happened while you were gone….Something regrettable….I don't know what we missed or how, but the mission went completely sideways…"

"What mission?"

"Nikita's mission. She was…."

"What?" Alex asked worriedly, suddenly standing up. "What happened? Is she ok?"

"I'm sorry, Alex…." Amanda said, but didn't finish her sentence.

"No….I want to see her….I….Is she in medical? I'm going to see her" Alex stammered, becoming more and more agitated and heading for the door.

"Alex, stop! Nikita is not in medical…."

Alex stopped dead in her tracks, facing the door and holding her breath. She knew what Amanda was going to say, but she just couldn't hear it.

"She's d…"

"NO!" Alex screamed, "Don't say it! Please, don't say it!" she begged, barely holding back the tears. "It can't be….", then she lunged for the door and began to run.

_No….she's lying…she has to be….this must be one of her twisted tests…." _Alex thought, while breathlessly heading in the direction of Nikita's office.

_She will be there….she will be there and then… _she told herself, but then her thoughts were brutally interrupted by what she saw when she reached her destination. The door to Nikita's office was open and Division personnel was there. They were carrying boxes outside and Alex began to breathe even faster.

"No! Stop!" she shouted, trying to get a box from a man's hands.

"Hey, what, the…."

"Put it back! Why are you taking her things away? She's on a mission, but she'll be back!" she said, frantically going from one man to another.

""Step back!" the man retorted harshly.

"No! You have no right….Put her things back…Take…."

"Alex!" she suddenly heard from behind her and froze to the spot. She slowly turned to face the voice and what she saw in his eyes made her heart stop. And then she knew. She knew it was all true.

"Birkhoff?" Alex asked, leaning against the nearest wall for support.

"Alex…she's gone….Nikki is dead….."

Everything started to spin around her and she found it impossible to breathe. _Focus on your breathing, _she heard Nikita's voice in her head, just like she used to tell her during their meditation sessions. And she tried to, but every breath of air was burning everything inside her. She was looking at Birkhoff and she knew he was talking to her, but she just couldn't hear a word. She was numb. She couldn't hear, she couldn't speak and she couldn't move. Her world came to a stop and she couldn't figure a way to function properly again. Suddenly, she felt someone dragging her away and she realized it was Birkhoff. He got her into Nikita's office, closed the door and helped her sit down on the sofa.

"Alex…..hey…..are you ok? Do you want some water or…..or something stronger?"

Alex was looking at him with a blank expression on her face. She tried to open her mouth a few times to say something, but no words came out.

"It's ok…..you don't have to say anything….what is there to say anyway, right?" Birkhoff said with a sad smile. Then he got up, poured her a glass of water and went back to give it to her. But nothing happened. She just looked at him for a few seconds and then trained her eyes back to the floor.

"Alex…..you have to snap out of it….I know it seems impossible, but you just have to. There is no other option. They will not tolerate this in here, you know that. You have to move on or they'll cancel you. And that would make Nikita very mad, you know?" He said, trying to lighten up the mood a little. "She cared for you….very deeply. And she taught you to be a survivor. Don't let all that she invested in you to be in vain…"

"Birkhoff….." Alex began, barely whispering, "…could you leave? I want to be alone right now….please…."

"Ok…..but if you need anything, I won't be far away."

Alex didn't respond, just nodded. The few words she'd spoken drained her completely and her head was pounding. As soon as she was left alone, she got up and started walking around the office, her fingertips barely touching every object in the room. After a few minutes she sat down in Nikita's chair and began tracing her fingers all over her desk. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. Tears were flowing down her face and suddenly she could feel it. That distinct scent that belonged to her. Her perfume was still lingering all over the place and she started sobbing. She felt Nikita all around her and her desperation grew stronger.

_How could you do this to me…._she thought, _…how could you leave me in here, all alone…..you said you'll be here for as long as I need you…..well, I still need you, damn it….._

She sat like that, crying her pain out, for what felt like forever. After a while she got up, headed for the door, took one more look at that place where she and Nikita shared so many pleasant moments and left. All the way to her room she couldn't bring up the courage to lift her eyes from the ground. She knew everybody was looking at her with pity and she couldn't handle it. She felt lost, hurt and hopeless. She even began to feel guilty for being upset at Nikita. The woman was on a mission, putting her life in danger, dying out there, alone, and all that time she'd been upset with her. She would have given anything to have Nikita back again. She could even forget the now trivial reason of her grudge only to see that face again. The face of her only friend, of the person she cared for the most in this world. When she finally got to her room, she got into bed and curved into a ball. Tears started to flow again and she couldn't stop them for a long time. She didn't know if there was any future for her because she didn't know if she could survive this. She hoped against all hope that this would only be a dream and that she would wake up in the morning to her usual routine training with Nikita. She even tried to think about something positive. To remember their last encounter and what they'd spoken about. But as hard as she tried, she couldn't piece together too much of it. _Be brave….be strong…._ were the only words playing constantly into her mind, but in those moments she didn't know if she could ever be that. Not anymore. Not without Nikita.


End file.
